But when I look more closely, into the detail, I get the impression that a lot of reports which say that women enjoy as high a sex drive as men come from women who are in some way trying to restore the balance with men.
It’s almost as though having a high sex drive, and being libidinous for much of the time is a desirable state of affairs! And one in which women want to be equal to men!
Yet when you look at the scientific research, it’s quite clear that men do have a higher sex drive and a greater demand for sex at every stage of a relationship.
Now the interesting twist to this simple fact of human nature is that men want all kinds of sex, but especially penetrative sex, much more often than women do.
I mean, when you think about it, penetration is an intense act, and to enjoy it fully, woman’s really got to be in the mood. From the male point of view, it’s not much fun making love to a woman who doesn’t really want to be in bed with you.
(Although I suspect a lot of women feel it’s easier to submit to requests for sex from their man than to say “no”.)
But in any decent relationship, it’s the woman who controls the frequency of sex, and if she is limiting the amount of penetrative intercourse, then it’s not unreasonable for the couple to look for some kind of alternative for the man to enjoy sexual pleasure and satisfaction without intercourse.
Sure, a lot of people will say “Well let him masturbate or self-pleasure.”
But the reality is that although this can be a very powerful and wonderful experience, it is purely physical and it doesn’t have have the added bonus of any psychological or emotional interaction with a partner.
And that is something which makes foreplay, arousal and orgasm (and of course ejaculation for men) much more fun…. I mean, if the partner’s taking part in the sexual pleasure.
Alternatives to intercourse
But a woman who doesn’t want to enjoy penetrative intercourse when her man’s erect and aroused, and he’s sniffing around for sex like an unfixed cat, what’s the answer?
Well there are plenty of answers, in fact. To start with, almost every man in the world loves what has become colloquially known as a titty-f*ck.
This is the thrusting of the penis, hopefully well lubricated, between a pair of breasts. Now, the pleasure of this does not depend on the a size of a man’s penis.
If his penis is small, for example, he may not feel very much inside his partner’s vagina. But with breasts tightly enclosing his penile shaft and glans, regardless of size, any man is going to enjoy intense satisfaction, not to mention sexual fulfilment and hopefully pleasure from his partner’s skilful sexual stimulation.
Many women seem to enjoy this as well, either because their tits are getting attention they don’t usually get, or simply because it’s arousing and exciting for a woman to see the power she has over her man. The real reason remains a feminine secret!
Certainly a lot of women seem to enjoy watching men ejaculate – after all, it’s a visible sign that a man is enjoying himself, and he’s enjoying himself because he’s there with his woman. Good for the self-esteem, perhaps!
Another good alternative sex technique (if the woman is in the mood for it) is to allow the man to thrust his penis between her buttocks, which will possibly give her pleasure as well if he’s stimulating her anal region as his penis moves over her perineum and butt crack.
And of course there’s always the good old hand job – a reliable and pleasurable way to reach orgasm, whoever is doing the stimulation. (OK, I admit, it’s probably much more pleasurable if somebody else is doing it than if you’re doing it yourself.)
There are plenty of videos on YouTube, and plenty of websites on the Internet, which give detailed explanations of how you can enjoy sexual pleasure in these ways, so I won’t bother repeating the instructions here.
However – one point to make is that last but not least, of course, there is oral pleasuring. A good standby, and it doesn’t need to take a man to orgasm and ejaculation, particularly if the woman doesn’t like the taste of semen.
She can always finish him off with her hand, and the truth is that by the time he’s so aroused that he’s ready to ejaculate, he may not even notice the difference when she does use her hand.
You might be wondering whether or not there is any common factor which underlies these different methods of pleasuring a man.
Well yes, there are.
To be wholly present while your man receives pleasure is important. If you’re doing the pleasuring as a favor, and you really feel that you’d prefer to be somewhere else, it’s not the most confidence boosting or self-esteem affirming sexual experience a man can have!
So if you find that you don’t want to enjoy sexual activities with your partner, it’s best to say so, and to fix a time which you can both look forward to for the mutual satisfaction and pleasure that physical intimacy can provide.
Sometimes what men want in bed can seem like a real mystery – especially if they’re not willing to talk about it!
So here, courtesy of the best experts on the Internet, are a few things that men say they want (but which they might not have told you!)
1 To Act Out Sexual Fantasies
Men, just like you, want to try out their fantasies.
Unfortunately porn today might make age-old fantasies like wearing a French maid’s outfit might seem a bit tame!
But there’s no reason why women should be obliged to fulfill outrageous male fantasies seen in porn just because men feel that doing so would satisfy them sexually.
Anyway, the reality is rather different. Porn can introduce emotional poison into a relationship because it may produce ridiculous male expectations about women’s willingness to experiment. It can also produce resentment when women quite reasonably refuse to participate in playing out those fantasies.
If a woman wants to know how to sexually satisfy her man in bed, the best way is for her to ask him. (And of course, he needs to be ready to tell her, prompted or not.) When he reveals the fantasies he wants to play out, talk about them. This is the best way to understand what’s important and acceptable to you both.
That said, talking about sex and what will give you both pleasure in bed is a great way to introduce your fantasies to your partner. And if you’re really in love with each other, or at least if you have a deep level of trust, many things are possible in the exploration of your fantasies.
2 To Feel Safe
A man really wants to feel safe with a woman when they’re being sexual. That means feeling safe from criticism or negative judgment.
You see, male sexuality is not the robust and ever-ready thing that’s portrayed in modern literature, and particularly in porn. Although this may surprise many women, men are extremely vulnerable sexually.
The male ego is a delicate thing. No wonder! No man can ever be sure that his erection is 100% certain. Yet at the same time men are expected to be sexually ready whenever their partner wants intimacy. They are are expected to initiate sex, to lead during sex, and even to bring a woman to orgasm.
All of this places a large burden on men. And men also experience a sense of sexual competitiveness with other men. All this means it is easy for men to feel sexually vulnerable.
Against this background, any judgments you make can really detract from your man’s confidence in himself as a man and in his sexual confidence.
To be sexually relaxed and happy, to be sexually satisfied, a man needs to be certain that his partner is not going to judge or criticize him.
If you’re a woman in relationship with a man, you need to cultivate an open and loving attitude towards him. So if you want him to do things differently in bed, don’t say “You never….” or “Don’t…” or sound irritated. Instead, try saying something like “It would feel wonderful if you could just do….”
And in this context, don’t take it personally if a man loses his erection. This is absolutely vital.
Tiredness or stress or worry (about many things) can impact a man’s capacity to maintain an erection. Don’t start taking his softness personally. Don’t choose to believe it’s about you, either! When you do this, you create anxiety which can make the whole performance-anxiety situation worse.
Just accept that sometimes you don’t want sex, sometimes a man can’t keep his erection. It’s not about you not being attractive enough for him to perform in bed sexually!
3 To Feel Manly and Sexually Competent
Men want women to help them feel confident and manly in bed by being non-judgmental and supportive.
You’ve probably never thought of your man as vulnerable. If you have, you might never have thought him as vulnerable sexually. Or emotionally.
But men are emotionally and sexually vulnerable. And so if you are to satisfy your man sexually, you have to help him feel manly and confident.
This all relates to what men get want from sex. Obviously a man’s sexual satisfaction and pleasure are important. At the same time sex provides men and women alike with other things: a sense of youthfulness, a sense of power, sense of manliness (or femininity), a sense of normality, a sense being adequate, or even just a sense of being sexually competent.
Anything that a woman does which negatively impacts a man’s sense of masculinity will stop him opening up to you. It will also prevent him allowing himself to feel vulnerable. And then, sex will become a physical thing rather than an emotional thing.
By the way, although men do tend to want to be sexually dominant, that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The different sexual roles of men and women in bed can lead to greater fulfillment and sexual pleasure. Sometimes that relies on one partner being the dominant one and the other yielding or being the submissive one.
4 To Feel Nurtured
Many men want to feel your fundamental feminine qualities of nurturing and support during sex.
Many women don’ know how important these qualities can be within their relationship. Men often want the support and nurture that their wives can naturally provide, although they rarely ask for it or even talk about it.
What men actually want, what actually pleases a man in bed, is to be with a woman who is intimate, tender, and loving.
Men also get pleasure when a woman initiates sex and really enjoys her sexual feelings towards him.
Women tend forget that men are just as emotional as women, even though they don’t show it. Sex can be a massive expression of intimacy for a man and a direct route to feeling his emotions.
5 To Be With A Confident Woman
Men want women to feel positive about their bodies. That’s because it’s a real turnoff for men when women make negative remarks about their own bodies.
No matter why women do this, it’s just not appropriate in bed.
Of course you might be anxious that your man feels negative about your body, and you’re just testing him to see what he has to say. There are better ways to find out than that!
For one thing, it’s a massive turnoff for a man when a woman puts herself down or makes negative comments about her body.
It shows him that you’re not in the moment with him, and probably not feeling sexual either. It also suggests that you’re insensitive to his feelings of physical attraction towards you.
To satisfy a man it’s necessary to have a pleasing attitude to your own body. If you really don’t have a positive attitude to your own body, it might be worth seeking out some counselling support to help you change your viewpoint.
6 To Be With a Woman Who Can Express Her Sexual Needs
Men want women to express their sexual needs, not leave it to them to guess what she wants.
Men are often baffled by women’s variable sexuality, particularly when what pleases a woman in bed seems to change from one day to the next.
The key to getting sex right is to simply tell your man what you want, openly and honestly.
Of course this requires him to be able to listen to you and to respond appropriately. This is an important part of learning to be intimate together and to enjoy sexual pleasure in bed.
If you’re shy about talking about what turns you on, one thing you can always do is to take his hand and guide him on ways to pleasure you.
Better, though, that you establish open and honest communication. And above all keep sex positive and fun. One way to ensure sex is fun is to keep it positive. And to do that, don’t say what you don’t like! Simply tell him what you do like when you’re together.
7 To Be With A Woman Who Can Take Responsibility for Her Own Sexual Pleasure in Bed
You need to explain to your man how you reach orgasm, how you obtain sexual pleasure. He also needs to know whether it’s important that you to have an orgasm during intercourse.
Not knowing this can spoil sex for both of you. When your expectations aren’t clear, you’re being unfair. Anyway, if you leave it to your man to figure out what makes you come, you might never have an orgasm!
Not explaining what gives you the ultimate sexual satisfaction in bed is ridiculous! Your man doesn’t live inside your body, so he needs your help to understand what turns you on and takes you to orgasm.
Don’t leave him to fumble on his own and then express your irritation or anger towards him because he hasn’t done it right!
Simply tell him what you want, or take his hand and guide him in a way that will give both the sexual pleasure that you desire. Easy!
A man wants you to trust each other enough to feel completely vulnerable to each other.
To feel safe, vulnerable and open to another person without reservation allows the deepest expression of your emotions and feelings.
It also leads to the ability to “let go” at the moment of orgasm, to completely abandon yourself to the sensations of sexual pleasure and fulfillment. This is a great way to satisfy a man in bed.
To truly pleasure a man, you need to be vulnerable, open and yielding. At the same time, for you to be able to please him in every way, he needs to be ready and willing to let you to satisfy him at the deepest level. And that means opening up to you emotionally as well.
Browse the Internet and you’ll find lots of articles full of tips about how to sexually satisfy a man in bed.
But the sad truth is, many of these ideas are off the wall. I mean, one article I found featured this as tip #1: “Have him lay on his back while you straddle him and give him what he really wants: a view of your scalp as you make your way down on him.”
As a recipe for sexual satisfaction, that’s not so helpful! Surely, what’s needed here are clear, simple instructions and sexual techniques which every man will find satisfying?
So with that in mind, here are six guaranteed successful sex moves to turn a man on and satisfy him in bed.
1 Always remember: to him, you’re a sex goddess!
Yes, you are a sex goddess – even if you don’t know it yet! You’re a sex goddess simply because you’re a woman. And as a woman you have many ways to please a man in bed.
By the way, this isn’t just about having a body which he craves. Nor is it about acting like a porn star or some mad sex-crazed nymph.
No, to give your man a great time in bed, you simply need to discover what excites him. To discover what’s going to give him more pleasure than you’ve ever given him before. And when you know that, you can help him turn his desires from fantasy to reality. Keep that in mind as we reveal five more great tips for sexual success!
2 Discover His Kinks and Fantasies !
Just as you have some secret desires and fantasies which are massive turn-ons, so does your man. In fact he probably has far more fantasies than you.
Truth is, almost every man can list many things which could turn him on. That being so, you shouldn’t have any trouble finding something which really excites him.
Maybe it’s as simple as wearing an extra-tight pair of jeans which show off your ass to the best advantage. Or maybe he’d appreciate a top that reveals your cleavage rather more than usual.
Then again, it might be something a bit more hard-core. Maybe he’d like to see you making love to another woman in a bit of girl-on-girl action. Maybe he’d like to try anal pleasure.
Of course, whether or not you want to go that far is up to you. Obviously you’d have more complex issues to deal with in that scene than if you simply wore some sexy underwear!
But hey, if his fantasy tickles your fancy too, then why not try it?
One of the best ways to satisfy your man sexually in the bedroom is to find out what his kinks really are –
– and then try them. Yep, even the one where you’re having sex with another woman (as long as it pleases you too!)
Any problems? Well, yes. The difficult thing about this is going to be finding out what his kinks actually are.
You see, he’s not used to opening up and speaking about these things. He might think they’re shameful. He’ll certainly think they’re private. He may worry you’ll be shocked about them.
So one great way to encourage him to spill the beans is for you to tell him some of your kinks.
Play a game. For every fantasy you reveal to him, tell him he has to reveal one of his. Start small and work up. As he reveals each of the things which excite him, consider whether or not you might be willing to sexually satisfy him in bed by trying them out with him.
3 Learn the Art of Talking Dirty!
Does this sound like a bit of a cliche? Well, it isn’t! Men are turned on by the sound of sex, not the sound of silence.
You know that’s true, because you’ve seen all those women moaning and groaning in porn films (haven’t you?). Sure, I’ve never heard the noises they make come out of the mouth of any woman I’ve ever been intimate with! But that doesn’t matter. Men find noisy sex exciting.
But there’s more. A man will find sex infinitely more exciting when you whisper in his ear “F*ck my hot wet c*nt.” The first girl who said that to me made me come there and then. So master the art of talking dirty! And get yourself over the idea of being a “good girl” during sex, too! There’s a wild sex goddess inside every woman, including you, just waiting to get out.
When you talk dirty, act dirty, and throw your inhibitions aside, you really will have the power to massively turn your man on and truly satisfy him in bed….
And sure, if you wanted to sound like one of those girls in the porn films moaning and groaning, that’s gonna turn him on as well.
I hate to say it, but if you felt like taking lessons from those porn stars, you could do. If you’re not quite up to the level of “F*ck my hot wet c*nt” just yet, then try something simpler when he hits the right spot: “Oh yes! Oh yes! Just there! Just there! Make me come!”
You can move on from there to things like “You feel so good inside me.” “I love feeling your hard throbbing dick inside me.” “You feel so big. Fill me up!” Well, I’m sure you get the idea.
And remember also that what goes on outside the bedroom can lead you and your man directly to sexual satisfaction as well. For example, send sexy text messages to him during the day. This will turn him on and make him anticipate being with you. It’ll also add to his pleasure when you make love later in the day.
4 Do Things Differently
The changes you make to your sexual routine don’t have to be big to produce a thrill! You could do something as simple as having sex with the lights on, rather than off. You could make love in the garden, or in the countryside. The risk of being seen adds a frisson of excitement.
What’s going on here, of course, is that you’re tapping into the male need for variation. Men in a long term relationship often fear sexual boredom will descend simply because they’re continually having sex with the same woman.
And, yes, we all know there’s a male need for variety. So why don’t you provide it, rather than have him explore this with another woman?
Try role-play, for example. Don’t ever underestimate the power of dressing up in a sexy French maid’s outfit to excite and satisfy your man!
For him, this kind of excitement leads to bigger and better orgasms. And bigger orgasms will keep him faithful to you. They will also make keep him much more willing to sexually satisfy his woman – that’s you! – in the bedroom as well!
There are other advantages to doing this. The more sexual knowledge and experience you have, the more you will know what excites your man and turns him on. That way you can build up a kind of “database” of great sex moves that are highly pleasurable for your man.
5 Learn How to Give Amazing Oral Sex
Every woman who’s serious about learning how to satisfy her man needs to learn exactly how to give him the kind of blow job that is really going to pleasure and satisfy him in bed.
Let me explain. For a man, nothing is more satisfying than the warmth and wetness of your pussy as you make love. But it’s probably true that for every man, oral pleasure comes a close second. A very close second, in fact.
The reason? Your tongue gives you the ability to stimulate those very sensitive spots on his penis head in a way that nothing else can. Done correctly, a good blow job can be a ticket to heaven for a man.
And it’s not difficult to do this. All you have to do is really put your heart and soul into giving him oral pleasure.
You see, he hates mechanical oral sex with no passion or excitement behind it. He wants to know that giving him pleasure in this way is thrilling you as well.
Which all means you need to vary what you’re doing. You need to take the trouble to find out what excites him. You might try gently licking and stroking his testicles as well. You can take him to the edge and then back off. You can lick, suck and play with his penis using your tongue. You can lick his balls – most men love that!
Above all, from time to time make eye contact with him. In fact, look at him with something like adoration in your eyes as you satisfy him and he will love you forever.
You can also use your hands as well as your mouth. That can be helpful if his penis is larger than average.
Spit or swallow? Well, you don’t have to accept his semen in your mouth if you don’t like it. However, coming inside your mouth will add to his pleasure. You can always spit his semen out immediately into some tissues.
6 Learn How to Give an Amazing Hand Job
Your man will absolutely adore good oral sex, but he will also adore a great hand job too. A good hand job can seriously sexually satisfy a man.
I suppose when you see the headline of this article you might wonder why we’re even asking the question. After all, isn’t that what men want? Isn’t that why all porn shows women shaven – ahem – “down there”?
But is this just another aspect of the patriarchy? Men requiring women to look and act a certain way, simply to please those very same men?
If so, why do women succumb so easily to those expectations? Could it be that women have learned something from experience? That they need to indulge men’s desires to stay safe or for some other advantage?
Or is shaving pubic hair just a reflection of the patriarchy? A sign of how men control women’s sexual expression?
After all, there’s plenty of evidence that the patriarchy controls much of our society. On average women earn 25% less than men for the same jobs. Men dominate conversations. (Women who talk for 25% of the time in a conversation are seen as spending equal time talking to men. Women talk for between 25 and 50% of the time in conversation are seen as dominating the conversation.)
And so it goes on.
And sure, for a long time, women did what men wanted so they could maintain their position as wives or partners or whatever. Maybe they still do.
But is it possible, I wonder, that women want to do what men want because they get some inner satisfaction from pleasing a man in this way?
Don’t get me wrong here. Of course I’m not talking about women earning 25% less than men in equivalent jobs as something that women do to please men.
Far from it. I’m not mad. I don’t see male-female relationships in terms of subordination and dominance.
What I’m wondering is whether pleasing a man gives a woman some sense of satisfaction. I mean, otherwise, why would women depilate, wax, and shave their pubic hair?
Surely this is something that women do because they think it pleases a man in bed?
The discomfort, the expense, and time involved in depilation is considerable. Question is, do women do this for themselves or for men?
If you read this article you initially get the impression that this is a feminist treatise examining whether or not women shave because they want to. But you’re not under that illusion for long – this is a very subtle but quite obvious analysis of what men think of shaved pubic hair on women. And basically the article is encouraging women to shave for the sake of men’s sexual preferences.
There’s a much more interesting and balanced article here which gives a good case for retaining your pubic hair. And it’s written, interestingly enough, by a woman who has clearly thought out this issue for herself.
So. Where do we go from here? We know that pubic hair is becoming almost an extinct species in women under 30. This may be because their boyfriends have seen women in porn who are, almost without exception, completely shaved. Now they expect that from their wives and girlfriends.
What’s more disturbing is that women are becoming alienated from their own pubic hair because of men’s expectations.
And so it’s amusing, perhaps, to note that are men are now finding a woman who has a full bush to be an erotic turn on. Why? Because she’s “a real woman”.
Which makes me wonder how men see girls with shaved nether regions. There’s certainly something unpleasantly creepy about the pre-pubescent association of hairlessness.
One survey claims to have discovered that 79% of men prefer a woman shaved or waxed. Strangely enough, that figure’s been quoted over and over again round the Internet. But is it true?
If you read this article, what men really seem to want is trimming rather than shaving. And that makes a lot of sense. The “view” is better but things still look natural. And, of course, there’s a lot less danger of getting hair caught in your teeth when you’re doing oral!
So what’s the bottom line? Everyone on the Internet who’s got an opinion on this has an ax to grind.
But maybe, when a woman’s shaving her pubes just to please a man, she’s also ignoring her own needs and desires. Maybe there’s tendency in women to do that, maybe not.
Either way, I encourage you to think hard and long about what you want before you start shaving, waxing or depilating.
Don’t do it simply because you think it might please your man when you’re in bed together.
How many women are shaving or waxing?
Can this really be true? According to Maxin, yes it can: There’s a pretty big difference between men and women when it comes to keeping their bush tidy: while 69 percent men prefer to simply trim their pubes and keep things shipshape, the majority of women, meaning 57 percent, go for the Brazilian and get rid of everything on their lady garden for optimum tidiness.
Men definitely expected their partners to be groomed. In fact, 46 percent of men said they prefer their partners to be completely hairless. Women, on the other hand, said they prefer the dude they’re sleeping with to be nicely manscaped, as opposed to being completely clean shaven.
A Pleasing Appearance Is About More Than Pubic Hair!
All the other things which please a man about a woman’s grooming are common sense. Daily bathing, keeping fresh, exfoliating, and so on.
Having a suitable hair style which pleases both you and the man you’re with is important too. To be considerate in this way is simply good manners. So make sure that your appearance and grooming are to a high standard, and done with your partner’s pleasure in mind.
For example, hair can be a woman’s crowning glory. It’s certainly a major factor in ensuring that she looks attractive. However, high maintenance styles can be expensive, particularly if they are colored. Sometimes a simple style is more satisfying than a complicated one.
Surely this hardly needs saying, but cleaning your teeth twice a day is important. Equally, your nails are always on show. Even if you don’t want to varnish them or invest in expensive manicures, you can always choose to keep them clean and neat.
These are things with which many women make an effort in the early days of a relationship. However, when a relationship has been going for a while, standards may slip.
So to maintain mutual attraction, both the man and the woman need to ensure that they look pleasing to their partner. Simply follow all the above tips. And also, ensure your clothes are neat and well suited to whatever occasion calls you!
Also, please keep in mind that looking good is a major factor in maintaining high a self-esteem. In turn, high self-esteem contributes to a feeling of high self-worth. And this makes you feel that your relationship matters, and that you matter to your partner.
So it’s really worth making an effort to look good and feel good. This is not just to please your man, but also to please yourself.
If you feel that you lack charisma, then find a way of developing a more prominent and sparkling personality.
At the end of the day, all of these things speak volumes about how you feel about yourself. When you look in the mirror, do you like what you see? Do you feel proud and happy to be yourself?
If so, then it’s almost certain that your partner will look at you with pleasure and pride, both in and out of bed.
We’re taking a journey through the wisdom of The Sensuous Woman.
Ah, yes. The Sensuous Woman. That was the title of a book for women published in 1971. A groundbreaking and revolutionary book. A book about pleasing a man in bed.
This was probably the first time a woman had written a sex manual for women about how to satisfy men sexually.
The author’s wisdom was well ahead of her time. For example, she advised women to keep sex in mind. “Consider,” she suggested, “as you are tucking your beautiful body into a man’s bed that you are carrying on a great tradition – learning to make love properly.”
And she went on to say that “proper love is uninhibited and harmonious loving, carried out with consummate skill and grace.”
I’m sure we’d all agree with that but – how many of us actually are able to make love that way? (I mean make love with consummate skill and grace.)
In 1971 the answer seems to have been not very many, because The Sensuous Woman went on to say:
“I’m going to tell you exactly how to do wild, delicious things to the man you love.… And you, if you have any sense at all, are going to try every single one of them.
“What’s more, you’re going to shock yourself and like a number of these imaginative ways of expressing love and sensuality. You’re becoming the sensuous woman now, remember, and it’s time to bury forever the idea that there are right and wrong ways to make love.
“If you are of the generations that were brought up to believe that sexual intercourse is a woman’s unhappy lot, along with menstruation, mounds of laundry and a never-ending pile of dirty dishes, pots and pans, you’re going to have to work a little harder than other women to exorcise the ghosts of sexual gilts and bugaboos.
“If you are a free daughter of these generations, you too will have to be on your guard, because you absorbed in your childhood that atmosphere of sexual frigidity, and even though you have overcome it with knowledge, occasionally you can be hit by a backlash.
“One of those especially vulnerable times is when you’re about to try something new sexually. When you feel that icy indictment of the new position or act begin to inhibit you, close your eyes and tell yourself, firmly, that anything two people lovingly learn to do with each other sexually is decent, respectable, and good for you.
“Then go and do the something new that you’re nervous about immediately. You’ve come too far in your battle to have a healthy, open sexual attitude to let yourself backslide when you come up against the unfamiliar.
“In the following sections you will learn the basic moves of the art of love. Some you will like better than others; some he will like better than others. All of them are normal and popular. Experiment with them, discuss the results with each other and incorporate the things that are most exciting into your lovemaking.”
Men’s Erogenous Zones
So The Sensuous Woman starts by advising that to make love to a man properly, you have to know the territory.
And why? Because a man’s body is absolutely covered with areas that are potential hotbeds of erotic response. Yet you might’ve been brought up to believe – as many men have – that the penis is the be-all and end-all of male sensitivity.
That’s why few men realize there are many other sensitive areas on their body.
But you only have to look at a man’s nipples during sexual excitement to see how sensitive his body is: the majority of men have nipples which become erect during sexual activity.
And some men’s breasts are more erotically sensitive than some women’s.
Amazing though this may sound, that’s an indication of how sensitive a man’s body can be.
Again – another example – would you be surprised to find that if you stimulate a man’s buttocks, he will probably get an erection?
You could lick inside his ear and blow warm air across it at the same time. Sensuous, probably. But you can do much better than that, as you start to find out for yourself exactly which areas of your man’s body are erotically sensitive.
Because until you’ve explored his body thoroughly, you won’t really know how to pleasure a man in bed properly!
You see, when your man is introduced to the concept of getting sexual satisfaction from his whole body, you may well find suddenly find his sexual preferences will change.
Instead of wanting stimulation on his penis, either with your mouth or hand, he is going to want the kind of bodily stimulation which you enjoy.
Of course we all know that the inside of a man’s head is his most erotic zone! His response to porn, text messages from you suggesting steamy sexual activity ahead, or better still messages with your voice offering him seductive sexual delights, is usually pretty instantaneous, and pretty obvious – he starts to get erect.
So that’s a great place to start: arousing him mentally. For example, you could whisper to him (regardless of where you are) exactly what you’re going to do to him in bed tonight.
And in response to that stimulation he’s going to create fantasy images which will be almost as arousing as the real thing !
Also, you certainly know the power of erotic movies to stimulate a man. But if you can find tasteful erotica – and believe me, it does exist in bucket loads – then watching high quality erotica with your man can be a great stimulus for you both. And this kind of foreplay can be very sexually arousing and lead to greater sexual satisfaction and pleasure for both of you.
You know how erotic and exciting you find kissing. But did you know that he finds it just as exciting as well?
If you’re looking for a way to sexually satisfy your man, kissing is a great place to start the journey.
Do it with a relaxed mouth. Never pucker your lips, and never kiss with your lips and teeth sealed firmly shut!
Let your lips go limp. Ease the tension from your chin, and let your teeth part slightly as you slip your teasing tongue into his mouth as the pressure of the kiss and your mutual passion mounts.
Whether you want him to take the lead in kissing or do that yourself, you can certainly add your own embellishments.
For example, when you’re coming up for air, after you’ve had a long, hungry soul kiss, you can lightly and quickly kiss him on the eyes, the nose, the forehead, the hair, the chin and then the mouth again.
And as you do so (so suggests the sensuous woman), pull the right side of his upper lip into your mouth, and then the whole lower lip with a gentle sucking motion, before releasing it and running your tongue silkily across his front teeth, gums, and around and down inside his lips….. before you allow yourself to be swept into a deep kiss again. How delicious!
(Tongue exercises: increased flexibility of your tongue will aid you in darting it into his mouth, and over and around his tongue. Both of you will get a thrill as you run your tongue lingeringly across his cheek, down his neck, across his chest to his left breast, around the nipple a few times, and then back across his chest to the other nipple. Then you can move back up to his mouth. No man will be indifferent to kisses like this!)
Pelvic Muscles and The Amazing Sensations They Can Create Will Please Any Man
As a woman, you probably have an instinctive sense that your body is your greatest sexual tool.
Well it is, at least as far as pleasuring or pleasing a man in bed is concerned. So if it wants to move in a sensuous and feminine way, then let it.
You may find that when you are sexually aroused your body has to move in a certain way. Simply allow it to do so. What you think might be shameful movements of your body are undoubtedly going to be much admired by men. You see, your body is a sensuous thing. And the way it moves is even more sensuous.
And of course when a man sees your undulating pelvic movements – be they a sophisticated belly dance, or a stripper’s repertoire of bumps and grinds – he begins to wonder how it would feel to have his penis embedded in the centre of that rhythmic and provocative wriggle.
So the more you can do to develop sensuous movements of your pelvis and buttocks the better – at least as far as sexual satisfaction you both is concerned.
Body exercises: lie on the bed, lift your hips off the bed and make imaginary designs with that part of your body. Try circles, clockwise and counterclockwise, then figure eights, then a square. Let your buttock muscles push your pelvic area up and back down again up and down, up and down.
Think of what his penis would feel like if it was deep within you as you are moving. And then think of the sensations you will be giving him when it is! (And, if you don’t want to do all of that, just go to a Pilates class or an advanced yoga class.)
Seriously, make sure you exercise your pelvic and vaginal muscles as if you were trying to imprison his penis – contract, relax, and constrict the muscles again, before you relax once more.
You see, according to our theory of what arouses men and women, when a man enters a woman she’s not supposed to lie there like a rag doll.
She is actually supposed to meet and become enmeshed in his thrusts. She is actually designed to entice his penis, to make it and its owner throb and hunger for the depths of her, and to make him feel that the centre of the universe is her pulsating vagina.
Men seem to think women are much less interested in sex than men.
I see it differently – I believe everyone has a sexual appetite. Whether it manifests or not depends on experience, motivation, confidence and environment.
We all know the cliche that women need to be loved to feel sexy. But is that really true? Could it be that many women aren’t interested in sex simply because their partner has stopped paying them the attention they deserve?
We could argue about this for ages, but the fact of the matter seems to be that most women have a full sexual appetite, especially in their 30s and beyond.
If you’re not feeling horny, then something is wrong.
Perhaps you need to encourage your partner to woo and seduce you, to treat you romantically.
Or perhaps you need to encourage him to woo you into bed by “acting as if” you’re feeling sexy, and finding a way to put sex back on the agenda in your relationship.
You see, when we talk about pleasuring a man in bed there’s an implicit assumption that everybody involved is happy and willing to be sexual. Yet if you don’t feel horny, what then?
There’s no doubt that sexual appetite is important for good lovemaking. As “J”, author of How To Become The Sensuous Woman emphasized, it does two things.
First, it gives you the impetus to explore your man’s body with your own, thereby exciting him into being a better lover.
And second, it also sparks you into reaching out for the physical pleasure you are entitled to enjoy.
So, as J observes, you should value your sexual appetite highly and understand its moods.
Maybe you’re dormant at the beginning of your period, and you feel sexually aroused at the point where you menstruate or ovulate.
Maybe your sex drive is higher in the morning than the afternoon, or non-existent when you’re tired.
By simply observing your own sexual desire, you can work out what turns you on, and when, and then you can bring that knowledge into your love life.
(You may find it useful to keep a diary for the next three months, noting down in it the date and time of day when you become sexually excited, or make love, or masturbate. If you record what was going on around you at the time, you’ll soon come to find a pattern which you will be able to appreciate and use intelligently to foster your sexual appetite. Or, more exactly, to find those times when your sexual appetite’s going to be highest, so that you can set out a banquet that will please both you and your man.)
Do you feel it’s your duty, or even a moral responsibility, to give yourself fully to a man you respect, and are sexually attracted to?
If so, what are your ethics around this?
Would you betray another man to whom you’ve made a promise of fidelity, if you find someone more attractive in your life?
Just as importantly, perhaps, are you clear about how you behave sexually?
Do you, for example, “lead on”, “cock-tease” or emotionally or physically “play” with a man whose love and sexuality you know you don’t wish to return?
These are important things to consider. Being a fully-fledged sensuous woman doesn’t mean that you have the right to do anything you please!
And the sooner you arrive at a set of ethics around your own sexual behavior, the earlier you will rest easy, knowing that you’re very clear about the ethical and moral aspects of sex for you.
And of course there’s another side to this: it’s natural for a man to have a wandering eye and a fertile sexual imagination, points out “J”. You need to have a strategy to deal with that, too.
You might say that even if men are naturally polygamist by nature, they should have learned by now to curb or control the urges they experience and be faithful to one woman.
To be honest I’d agree with you, but the truth the matter is that married or not, in relationship or not, men will always looking at other women – either overtly or covertly.
And many men will actually sample other women – even if they are in relationship with you.
Trust me, if this is happening, it’s because sex is not satisfying or pleasurable to your man. Bluntly, a man who’s being fully pleasured in bed, by a woman who really knows how to please a man, won’t stray.
These are realities of being involved with a man, says “J”. She goes on to observe…..
So get this straight: if you’re to keep your man monogamous, it’s your responsibility to give him the sexual variety and adventure at home that he could easily find on his own elsewhere.
You have to fight woman’s most deadly sexual enemy – familiarity – for it breeds boredom in the male.
To keep him from wandering, your greatest allies are imagination, sensitivity to his moods and desires, and the courage to experiment with new sexual techniques, particularly in enticing situations and places.
Here is just one example from “J’s” How to Become the Sensuous Woman:
One of the most ingenious ploys I’ve ever heard of was pulled off by Janet, who is so respectable and ladylike in her looks and behavior she would make Emily Post seem like a wanton in comparison.
On Saturday night recently Janet purposely delayed dressing until the very last minute for the dinner party she and her husband were attending. She was so short of time she had to finish applying her make-up in the car and, as they drove up their host’s driveway, she was putting on her earrings.
However, Janet stepped from the car perfect in appearance, beautifully groomed and elegantly gowned. She delivered her bombshell as they stood on the steps ringing their host’s bell.
Just as the door started to open and it was too late to retreat, Janet grabbed her husband’s arm and gasped “Oh, Dick, I was in such a hurry I forgot to put on my panties!”
Well, you won’t be surprised to learn that all evening Dick kept picturing what his very ladylike wife looked like under her proper dress. He wouldn’t let another man come near her, and by the time they started home he’d become so excited by Janet’s tantalizing and secret nakedness that he couldn’t wait to make love to her. In fact they had to stop at a motel before they got home….
He had seen her at six that evening completely naked and nothing had happened to him at all, but the picture he was creating in his mind of Janet naked drove him crazy.
Janet confessed to me the next day that he had outdone himself as a lover that night, and she had never felt so wicked and sensual – and desirable!
You see, there are plenty of ways you can reintroduce excitement and sexual thrills to your relationship, even if it’s simple as going away for a night to a hotel while the children are looked after by a relative or babysitter.
And then there’s role-play.
Maybe you know your man’s always had a thing about geisha girls, in which case you can find an outfit to suit on the Internet and surprise him when he gets home.
And it won’t hurt you now and again to greet your man when comes in through the front door with a skimpy silk outfit just barely covering your breasts and your “Heavenly Garden”.
It’s all about keeping your man offguard and curious about what you will do next. Simply using a few feminine techniques like this will keep him too focused on you to stray.
And this does NOT mean you have to maintain a sexual aura all the time. It simply means you have to introduce enough variety once in awhile to keep the pleasure and satisfaction, and the sexual interest, of your man directed towards YOU!
The History of Sex
“J” writes amusingly about the days when somehow it became acceptable for men and women to read about sexual pleasure, hot to please a man in bed, and how to satisfy a woman in bed.
Millions of couples read those books – all directed (as you may guess) towards the respectable married couples of the 1950s. (Single people had to cope for themselves.)
Of course we’ve moved on since then, but I do wonder if some of the “rules” set out in the 1950s still influence us.
For example, the message of those pioneering marriage manuals was always that women have to be sexually responsive, and it’s up to men to arouse and satisfy them, no matter how much effort that might take.
Do you think, like me, there’s still quite a lot of truth in this? That it’s an unspoken belief we all hold at some level?
Now, why would that be?
Because of an old rule, a more instinctive human rule, which says that woman was designed to give pleasure to man.
If so, by not listening to our instincts, we women made a number of mistakes. The first one, J claims, is to be so busy in bed getting satisfied and pleasured that somehow we forgot our responsibilities as women.
Or, to put it another way, as “J” says:
“We forgot that there were two of us in that bed and that it was just as important to give the man a wonderful experience sexually as it was to receive it.
“We forgot what females have been taught since time began: as women we should be ardent conservationists of our most important natural resource – man.
“And, we were designed to delight, excite and satisfy the male of the species. Real women know this.
“Don’t scream unfair to me. Nature is looking out for us too, for it works both ways: men were designed to delight, excite and satisfy the female of the species.
“The sexes have different ways of going about it. Men conquer through aggressive and skilled passion and love; women surrender too, and are swept up in, passion and love.
“When you are able joyfully, tenderly and lustfully to offer every square inch of yourself for him to feast upon, and when you are able to sweetly use your erotically skilled body as a sensual instrument to satiate his appetite, then you will find that you will receive a piercingly beautiful pleasure in return.
“For he will be unable to help rising to the occasion and matching your complete sensuality. No one has more to gain from giving than a woman.”
These exercises are all about training your body to give a quicker and stronger response to sexual stimulation. That way your body will automatically give more in a sexual situation. That’s because it knows instinctively that by giving more of itself it gets more in return.
“J” goes on to say:
“It reaps the dividends of more and better orgasms and more exciting sex. You will know that you are successfully giving when your body feels that it is flowing into with him, and that you can’t help being swept in any direction he chooses.”
However “J” also cautions:
“Give, but don’t be a Pollyanna, a martyr, a saint, or a doormat. Your brain is part of your body and you must use it.
So if your man doesn’t give back pleasure, there are two possibilities.
First, he is selfish, in which case get rid of him. Or he hasn’t yet come into full bloom sexually and doesn’t know technically or emotionally how to respond completely. In this case you can help him explore and take command of his sexuality.
“Men can be shocked when they meet a woman for the first time who’s fully into her sexual nature and allows it to have full reign.”
Indeed, many men keep their sexual desires, appetites and abilities under such tight reign that they suffer from delayed ejaculation.
Making love to a man like this can be a shock for a woman. Imagine, if you were a sensuous woman making love to a man who believed it would be shameful to be aroused by the power of the woman he was in bed with.
A man like this is probably subscribing to the old view that it’s a man’s job to pleasure a woman. But although it may take you awhile to release his sexual desire and sensuality, the rewards of doing so will be well worthwhile.
But perhaps this isn’t good enough? Perhaps you might like to know in advance of a man will be a good prospect in bed? “J” has some advice here too.
She says a man can give you a number of clues about his sensuality. For example, his eyes can be very revealing.
“Observe how he uses them. Do his eyes caress and undress your body with obvious pleasure? That’s a good sign.
“Do you have the feeling that he never really fully looks at your body, even when your back is to him? In which case, watch out, for he may be one of those men who are ashamed of the sexual act, and because of this gives a perfunctory performance.
“But has he tried to con you with eye games? Penetrating stairs that make you feel he can see all the way to your palpitating heart and quivering clitoris, or long soulful looks designed to melt you into mush are no indication of superior bed skills. In fact they can be the tools of a second-rate lover.
“Is he a man who doesn’t bother to focus on your face and individuality even while he is making those first sexual overtures? Stay away from him. He isn’t interested in you, he just wants a convenient bed partner.
“And pay attention to his kissing style. If he attacks your mouth with force and makes you feel he is going to jam your front teeth down your throat, he is even going to be more cloddish than that in the advanced stages of lovemaking.
“If on the other hand he pecks you with dry pursed lips he is not likely to make your blood race either. Send him onto one of those girls who think sex is one of the unpleasant duties that come with marriage. They deserve each other.
“Men who are good lovers invariably use their tongues imaginative in the early kissing stages. You could assume if he uses his tongue badly or not at all, he is going to be equally dull in bed.
“When he caresses you, do you tingle and begin to feel warm all over? He is likely to arouse even hotter responses in you when you have your clothes off!
“Does he treat your breasts like unripe grapefruit instead of firmly but gently caressing them? Who needs him?”
And so on and so on. There are many clues to a man’s sexual ability. If you’re alert you’ll catch on pretty quickly.
Sometimes a man may pass all your standards and still turn out to be a dud in bed. But when you’ve taught yourself and your senses to tune into the masculine love style, you’re going to have very few lousy lovers in your life.
And weeding out the “throwbacks” from the keepers before intimacy starts is kinder to both of you.
You save his male pride from being demolished, and you save yourself from a less than happy experience.
You might not be surprised to learn that the culmination of J’s sensitivity exercises – learning just how sensitive your body can be to touch – is masturbation. This is all in the service of learning how best to please a man in bed.
You can call this “self pleasuring” if you prefer. That’s a nice way of describing masturbation.
But no matter what you call it, masturbation is a totally normal and enjoyable activity. Nearly every woman has masturbated at some time in her life. Most continue to do so even when they are in a relationship.
The secret is to enjoy it without guilt or shame. You see, no matter what you feel about masturbation, it is a great way of becoming familiar with the sexual responses of your own body.
So overcome your sensitivity to the “M” word, call it self-pleasuring if you wish, but make sure you enjoy what J calls “masturbation workouts”. Here’s what she said about it all.
By exploring your own body in this most intimate of ways, you can work out what kind of manipulation in the clitoral area will give you the quickest response or the most enjoyable orgasm.
You can work out what pattern of stimulation will give you multiple orgasms, too.
For example, do you need to stop for a minute after you come before starting out for the next peak?
Or can you simply continue stimulating your clitoris after you’ve come, going on immediately to your next orgasm?
You can learn more interesting things too. Like, how many orgasms you can have in a single session before you’re tired!
All of this is a great way of becoming fully erotic, knowing your body, knowing your sexual responses, and being sensual when you meet the man of your desires.
(Imagine if you had to waste precious time learning how to become sexually alive when you’re in bed with the man you desire! And with whom yo want to share sensual or sexual pleasure!)
Learning How To Be Orgasmically Sensual
Pick a time of day or evening when you’re assured of privacy without interruption of any kind.
This is your time, so devote yourself to it.
Find a lubricant you like. This might be oil-based – coconut oil, perhaps, or grapeseed oil, or a water-based lubricant (although they tend to dry out faster).
And do remember that your objective here isn’t just self pleasuring. It’s to learn about how your body responds so that you be orgasmic when you’re pleasuring a man in bed or being pleasured by him.
After all, sex is, or ought to be, a two-way street of mutual exchange of sexual satisfaction, fulfilment, gratification, and of course pleasure.
But how much easier it is to get that glorious place if you know the sexual potential of your own body before you’re in bed with your chosen man. (Or, if you are a sensuous woman, before he chooses you….)
Start by gently exploring the area of your vulva and clitoris. Is the head of your clitoris sensitive or maybe ultrasensitive to touch? Do you get a warm sensation when you rub the shaft?
Does the stimulation feel better on the left or the right-hand side of your clit? Does your whole Mons area feel sensitive, or is sensitivity limited to your vulva? And as you massage the edges of your labia, and your vaginal opening, what sensations do you experience?
Maybe you can bring yourself to orgasm without too much difficulty.
But on the other hand you may not be able to, and if that’s the case then you might want to do something about it.
You see, although it’s possible for you to take a man to bed and sexually fulfil him, there will be an element of pleasure and satisfaction – even joy – missing if you don’t reach orgasm as well.
No matter what you think about equality of the sexes, and equality of sexual opportunity, there is definitely a sense in many men’s minds that somehow it’s their “responsibility” to take a woman to orgasm!
And in my experience, even though it’s a point of view you often find played down these days, women do seem to like being taken to orgasm by their man. (Of course the same is true in reverse, too. Men loved to be pleasured by a woman.)
So think how much more easy and pleasurable it will be for both of you if you’re already orgasmic before you meet your man. When you do meet him, you can pleasure your man to sexual ecstasy on your first time in bed. Better still, you can share the joy of orgasm.
Now, even if you are orgasmic there’s always something more to learn about how your body responds to stimulation.
Believe it or not, Planned Parenthood has published some statistics which suggest that up to 30% of women – around one in three – have trouble reaching orgasm!
There’s no question that having greater confidence around sex, and a greater awareness of the sensual potential of their own body would probably help many of these women to reach orgasm without difficulty
Use A Vibrator?
Perhaps the best way to experiment with reaching orgasm (whether or not you’re not enjoying them already!) is to use a vibrator.
There’s plenty of choice online, and you can order in complete confidence and privacy. (For example – Babeland USA and Lovehoney UK.)
Let’s assume that you have your vibrator. Let’s also assume also that you’re lying naked on your bed quietly relaxing with your eyes closed, tuning into the feel of your body.
What a great prospect lies ahead! “J” was certainly an expert writer – she can make the reader begin to tingle with excitement just from her words. But the exercises aren’t just exciting! They really do help women to become orgasmic.
So as you lie on the bed, “J” suggests that you allow your mind to float off tot he thought of someone who excites you sexually. And that could be absolutely anybody! A movie star, your boyfriend, the new executive in the office, your neighbor down the street.
Whoever turns you on, imagine him looking at you stretched out naked on the bed, with your body open and hungry for him.
Feel him caressing your breasts, running his hands down and over your abdomen, stroking the inside of your thighs…. reaching higher now and gently massaging your clitoris. Let the vibrator be his hands and penis and as you take your time to enjoy the sensations let yourself go. After all, you have all night, or as long as you choose…..
Allow yourself to be swallowed up in the continuous rhythmic stimulation of the vibrator as you move it up and down around your clitoris and vagina.
As you do that, let the fantasy man in your mind rule your mind and body.
Perhaps he would be thrusting deep into you while your pelvis arches up to meet him. Perhaps he’d be thrusting hard in his eagerness to reach the commanding ecstasy of orgasm.
Or maybe he’d be teasing you, making you reach out for the next sensation……
Whatever, if you find that one fantasy you conjure up isn’t working for you, then wander onto the next one. And if you really need help, get hold of a copy of Nancy Friday’s book on female fantasies, My Secret Garden, or something more modern if you prefer.
Allow your fantasies to excite you whether they are your own or you borrow them from the book.
No matter what form fantasies take, even if they seem “socially unacceptable” they’re still your fantasies. Forced sex, threesomes, orgies, animals, lesbianism…. you can be as outrageous as you like! Whatever turns you on!
After all, no one is ever going to know……..
Now, of course if you’re new to the art of self pleasuring, you might not strike it rich with the pleasure of orgasm the first time you try.
It might even take a few weeks of practice to get your body to respond freely. Just like muscles that aren’t used, your “masturbation muscles” are going to be creaky and unused in the beginning. So much the better! More opportunity for practice. You’ll just have to build up their strength with more and more practice!
But the main thing you need if you’re a beginner in the art of developing your sensuality and sensuous sexual qualities is patience.
Research has shown that 95% of women who use self-stimulation can become orgasmic within a few weeks of beginning to use the vibrator.
And Your Fingers For Self-Pleasuring!
Of course there’s always somewhere else to go the world of sex, and in this case it’s too move from the stimulation of the vibrator to stimulation with your fingers.
Since you don’t get as much stimulation from your fingers, you’ll effectively be teaching yourself to develop a high level of sensitivity. Again, whatever technique you find to be satisfying is the one to use; there’s no right or wrong when it comes to self pleasuring.
If you’d like to read more about female masturbation techniques you can do that here.
And finally, as”J” points out, Masters and Johnson discovered that masturbation to orgasm after the beginning of menstruation would “increase the flow, reduce pelvic cramping and often relieved menstrually associated backache”. What’s not to like?
Back in the days when women were supposed to be shy and demure, an anonymous author calling herself “J” wrote a book called “How To Become The Sensuous Woman“.
This was a revolutionary book at the time, because it described quite openly and explicitly how ordinary girls who wanted better sexual experiences could turn themselves into man magnets – and sexually pleasure a man, while enjoying the sex themselves.
You can understand how revolutionary this was in the context of the late 1960s and early 70s. Just imagine! A book for women, describing “how to move from lousy sex to great sex” and teaching you how to be “a full woman” – this was almost unheard of!
Needless to say, the women who read this book attracted men easily, and apparently had wonderful sex lives.
So I’m going to put up a series of posts describing some of “J’s” advice and information. Hopefully, time will prove how valuable her advice remains as you discover your own way of learning how pleasure a man and give him the sexual satisfaction he craves.
Now, you might be thinking that this is all a bit superficial, and that a relationship should be based on love, mutual compatibility, and so on.
And of course long-term relationships do involve all those wonderful qualities! But you have to understand that from a man’s point of view, one of the best “hooks” you can offer is to be a sensual woman. He’ll fall for it almost every time…
What does that mean? Well it means being good in bed – at the very least, being enthusiastic about sex.
And it does mean something more as well.
It means being a woman who is confident and competent in sexual techniques which can please men.
But don’t make the mistake of thinking that this is a one-sided giveaway from you to him, from woman to man.
The reality of human relationships is that when you know how to please a man or to pleasure him in bed, however you want to put it, you will give him the gift of reconnection to his feelings of affection and love.
And that will give him ample opportunity to work out how he feels about you. And it will give you ample opportunity to display the qualities which will convince him that you really are the one he needs to settle down with.
Is this using sex as a tool to get a man?
You can see it that way if you like! I’d rather see it as a true meeting of male and female.
As the woman using her innate sexual gifts (which can pleasure her just as much as they can pleasure any man), to establish a connection with the man which can then develop into a relationship.
So please don’t forget that at every point in your relationship, from the very first moment you set eyes on a man, you’re in charge of the sex. How much, how often, how satisfying and pleasurable it is.
In short, there’s as much sex in the relationship as you choose to offer.
And this is not about being cheap or giving yourself away! It’s about genuinely finding a way to offer a man sexual satisfaction and pleasure, for the benefit of the two of you.
You see, there’s nothing that makes a man more eager to pleasure a woman than the fact she is willing to take the time and care to give him what he really craves more than anything else – a woman who knows how to (and is willing to) pleasure a man gracefully and willingly. Or, to put it another way, to satisfy his most urgent desires.
“J” makes the point that you can learn to be sensuous.
She talks of “digging up and honing a lot of qualities that have been lying fallow deep within you”.
And then she lists what she sees as the four keys to increased sensuality. They are: heightened sensitivity, sexual appetite, the desire to give, and sexual skill.
And it’s certainly true that when you look through her book she’s offering timeless advice.
For example, to become a good lover, you do indeed need to be in touch with your own physical sensitivity, with the sensations and sensitivity of your skin.
She describes each of these areas in turn. And I’m going to describe her suggestions, and offer ideas about how you might follow it in our modern, electronic era!
So, to start at the very beginning….
To increase the sensitivity of your skin to stimulation, which is an essential part of building a greater sensuality, she describes several exercises which can help increase sensuality.
The first one involves getting together a number of household items with different textures.
She suggests using a leather glove, a powderpuff, a cracker, a bar of soap, a rolling pin, a fur hat, a dish of water, a terry cloth towel, a silk scarf, a slice of bread, a pincushion, a leaf off a plant, a pearl necklace, and anything else you fancy.
You sit in a comfortable chair, blindfold yourself, and then slowly and gently run your hands over each of these items for a total of 10 minutes.
She suggests that you “allow each one’s special texture to imprint itself in your fingertips”. After which, you lean back in the chair, and recreate in your mind how each item felt when you were touching it.
In essence, your fingers can actually memorize the cool firmness of the pearls, the rough intricacy of the lace, the bumpiness of the cracker, the fluffiness of the powderpuff, and so on. (Can you get a powderpuff these days?)
You will, claims J, be surprised at your tactile memory. She advises you to finish by touching everything one more time and then rest.
I’m sure you can see how this kind of exercise can improve your sensual awareness of touch.
Her exercises gradually increase in what I’d call “sexual quality” right up to number nine, which is all about celebrating your body by buying “some absolutely scrumptious feminine things – lacy, silky, meltingly feminine.”
And she’s right about that, because by indulging yourself with underwear of real quality and beauty, you will feel like a sexy, feminine woman. Few things match the knowledge that you’re wearing the most glamorous, seductive and beautiful underwear.
Trying her exercises can change your self-image so that you begin to see yourself as inherently more sensual and, therefore, sexual.
Before we go on, a note of caution. Feminism worked hard for increased feminine liberation and opportunity, not to mention the acceptance of feminine power in society.
Perhaps to you it somehow seems slightly questionable that a woman should go all out to develop her feminine sensuality simply for the purpose of pleasuring a man or pleasing him in bed.
So I want to emphasize again that, for me, this is all about really getting in touch with, and connecting with, your basic feminine nature.
This is the essence of the Goddess within you. You can’t fully experience your own sexual power, in my opinion, unless you sit firmly in the place where nature originally put you.
After all, you are a woman, with all the feminine genes and historical cultural knowledge of what it really means to be a woman. Some words that come to mind here are seduction, sensuality, sexual, sexual fulfilment, sexual power, and sexual gratification.
Of course ultimately it’s for you to decide if you really want to develop a full sexual expression of your femininity in pursuit of your desire to pleasure a man.
But I’m guessing you wouldn’t be here, reading this, if there wasn’t a part of you which was at least curious about what it would be like to sit firmly in a very feminine place.
Curious about how best to seduce a man, to offer him the full ripeness of your glorious femininity. And to do that not only for his pleasure, but for the deep and profound sexual fulfilment and satisfaction which you will experience as you meet both his needs and your own.
But I’m not going to reproduce all of “J’s” exercises about how to increase sensuality and sensitivity to touch. For one thing, the book still available secondhand on Amazon.com and Amazon.co.uk. Just search for “How To Become The Sebnsuous Woman”.
For another, you may prefer a more modern route to increasing sensuality, such as you can find on the Internet. There’s an example here and another excellent piece here.
But one thing I do want to mention before I move on to the next step in J’s program for pleasuring a man is the book Sanasession by Grace Jane Treber.
There are a few copies around on Amazon; act now and you might be lucky enough to get hold of one.
Here’s how J describes it: “She offers those all-important exercises to condition your lovemaking muscles, such as the gluteals, the abdominals and the levator. I strongly advise you to read and do the exercises recommended by Grace in her famous book called Sanasession. Although you can benefit from the whole book, these exercises are contained in her remarkable seventh chapter. I think you’ll find her healthy, no-nonsense attitude toward sex refreshing and the exercises fantastic. Don’t procrastinate on the exercise program. You’re really going to need those toned muscles when you get to… my advice on how to drive a man to ecstasy!”
And that, which we will come to shortly, can be found in Chapter 11 of J’s book How To Be The Sensuous Woman.
Now, more than likely, you’re going to be surprised by this.
A study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior says that men care more about cuddling than having sex. (Well, sort of. )
Wow, that’s a big claim, considering how important sex is to most men, and how much time men spend trying to get laid.
But I think the point we really need to focus on here is that men have a need for nonsexual touch. So, of course, do women.
Regardless of whether or not men really want a cuddle more than an orgasm, the truth is we all need nonsexual touch.
But the interesting thing is that apparently men require three times more touching than women to create the same amount of dopamine. As you might know, dopamine is a hormone linked to feeling good, feeling connected, feeling bonded to your partner.
I guess it’s not too surprising to hear this. Women are programmed genetically to be social creatures who want touch. Maybe that’s because of their role in child rearing and the importance of comforting children by holding them close.
And I guess when you think that within every grown man there’s a little boy who still wants to be cuddled and held, then it’s no wonder that men apparently feel that cuddling, caressing, kissing and tenderly holding each other contributes hugely to their relationship happiness. Apparently, in fact, they need cuddles more than women! (Maybe.)
So before we get onto the sexual things that you can do for your man, here are some tips to help him bond with you and get the comfort of nonsexual touch:
1 Make sure that you give him regular full body embraces.
Don’t just focus on the “A frame” hug where the bottom of your bodies are not in contact. Don’t just give him a quick pat on his back or shoulder. Give him some really close contact – a “bear hug” where you’re pressing right up against his body – either from the front or the back.
Bottom line: don’t hold back – make sure that you’re cuddling your man in a way he’ll remember forever.
2 Find out by trial and error what touch your man particularly likes.
There’s bound to be some particular stroking or kind of touch which is especially important to him. Maybe he likes his arms being lightly stroked.
Maybe he wants your fingers rubbing gently across his scalp as you pass them through his hair.
In fact, whatever touch he received when he was a little boy to soothe him is something now programmed into his nervous system. If you can find out what it is and repeat that kind of touch, you’re going to be taking the fast train to a close connection with him. And he’s gonna love you for it!
Now we know how much you love kissing: at least, you probably love it. (After all, most women say it’s the most romantic thing a man can do – to kiss passionately and tenderly.)
But did you know that a really passionate lingering 15 second (or more) kiss is going to really make your man feel wanted and loved?
We All Need Touch
You see, touch is a basic requirement for our physical and mental health. Right from the day we are born, touch is essential for us to thrive. (You might have heard of the famous – or infamous – experiments conducted by Harlow on young monkeys. Long story short, deprived of touch, they died. The same is true of human babies.)
But anyway, apart from this deep need to be touched, maintaining physical connection with each other isn’t just emotionally healthy. It can also maintain a mutual connection which reinforces your relationship.
And so the importance of touch goes well beyond being sexual. Just holding hands when you’re sitting on the sofa together can create a sense of connectedness and a relaxed comfort with each other.
Indeed, scientists have demonstrated that there are some nerve endings called C-tactile fibres which actually make you feel calm and happy when they are stroked slowly and gently. They are found over the arms legs back and forehead – which might just be the favourite places you like to be touched. No coincidence.
Also, touching releases oxytocin – and that’s another bonding hormone. (By the way, women respond very powerfully to touch by producing lots of oxytocin. And oxytocin is a hormone which produces stronger orgasms. That’s why so much touch during foreplay can really increase the power of your orgasm.)
And, as it happens, cuddling and staring into each other’s eyes also increases the amount of oxytocin your body produces. Again, this results in a stronger sense of connection and more powerful orgasms.
But well beyond this, the benefits of touching are quite extraordinary.
If you ever wondered why touching your partner, or being touched by your partner, makes you feel good – well, it turns out there’s more to it than the effects of oxytocin and dopamine!
That’s because nonsexual touching can lower your blood blood pressure and decrease your cortisol level (that’s the “stress hormone”). Nonsexual touching can strengthen your immune system, and it can help you live longer.
All this is extraordinary, but it proves how social we areas human beings.
So if you and your man are missing out on nonsexual touching, then you’re losing out on good emotional health, good physical health, and a better bond between the two of you.
And if there’s an assumption in your relationship that all touch has to lead to sex, and you’re having sexual problems, then you’re probably avoiding all touch….. which is sad, because that’s exactly what could help you reconnect with your partner.
There are good – and easy – ways to break that negative cycle and feel comfortable with each other’s touch. And when you can touch, you’ll also create a calm and relaxed environment within your relationship and within your own mind.
So please, find a way of touching each other in a nonsexual way! Kissing, hugs, stroking, and body massage are great ways to start reconnecting.
The Secrets To Giving Your Man The Greatest Pleasure He's Ever Had!