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delayed ejaculation, sexual satisfaction, what men want in bed

Treatment for delayed ejaculation

How To Overcome Your Problems Ejaculating

Over the years therapists have come up with two main categories of reasons for delayed ejaculation: the first is the inhibition of sexual drive, and the second is a lack of sexual desire, which is also called a “desire deficit”.

Both of these approaches to explaining delayed ejaculation (DE) come from therapists who have worked in the area and achieved considerable fame with their theories.

You might think, and you’d probably be right, that these look like extremely different approaches to delayed ejaculation. That doesn’t mean that either of them is wrong, because it could well be that delayed ejaculation (DE for short) has more than one cause.

What Does Delayed Ejaculation Mean?

Using the “inhibition of sexual impulses” approach, Helen Singer Kaplan suggested that one way to encourage a man to reach orgasm and ejaculate during sex was to stimulate his penis with extreme force by hand.

The idea is to get his penis as near to his partner’s vagina as possible in the moments before he ejaculates. Then, at the last moment before he comes, he or his partner could push his penis into her so he ejaculates intravaginally.

Getting a man aroused with hand stimulation, then pushing his penis into his partner’s vagina at the last minute is not a sophisticated form of therapy. The extraordinary thing is, though, that sometimes it actually works. (It helps a man to ejaculate normally during intercourse.)

Now that could be because using force to overcome a man’s inhibitions about ejaculation is an adequate approach for some men. It may get them over a fear barrier, perhaps. Or it may simply allow them to experience ejaculation inside their partner and find that this feels OK. After that, whatever was causing the blockage to their ability to ejaculate inside their partner is removed.

 But it doesn’t work for everyone, and it’s quite aggressive. Whether the limited success it produces justifies its use or not is another issue. 

I suppose men who can’t ejaculate in a partner, and who are desperate to do so, would be delighted to have any treatment which works. So if it actually results in them being able to ejaculate in the vagina, it’s fine, regardless of whether commentators like me call it “aggressive” or not!

But what about the men for whom this DE treatment doesn’t work?

These men require a combination of therapies. You see, problems with ejaculation almost always involve some unconscious beliefs and thoughts about sex. That means a man won’t usually know why he can’t ejaculate.

And certainly some of the men with delayed ejaculation prefer sex with themselves to sex with women or indeed any partner. And you have to see that psychological position – which is called autosexuality – as rooted in some traumatic experience in childhood.

But many men with delayed ejaculation don’t really want to look into their childhood for traumatic events. That’s true even when this may explain the origins of delayed ejaculation. What they want is a cure.

One successful and popular approach is to sensitize a man’s body to the sexual stimulation he’s receiving so that he becomes more aroused more quickly. Delayed ejaculation is almost always characterized by a man having a low level of sexual arousal during intercourse. This is true no matter how long foreplay or intercourse may continue.

And in fact it’s not that a man’s point of ejaculatory no return is somehow “set” too high. It’s much more that he doesn’t reach that point, because he simply never gets aroused enough.

That implies that the roots of issues with reaching climax during sex lie in something that’s stopping the man becoming sexually aroused. Or, more exactly, sexually aroused enough to ejaculate.

And very often that something turns out to be a disconnection from his body, or disconnection from the process of sexual arousal.

Again, that’s almost always the result of some kind of traumatic experience in childhood. But one of the interesting things about psychological healing is that it can take place just through the act of living, where we’re all presented with opportunities to grow and develop.

So many men can “retrain” their bodies to respond to greater sexual arousal without looking at the past. And this is done through a process called sensate focus. While I wouldn’t claim that it is successful in 100% of cases, it certainly works for a heck of a lot of men.

Video – Delays In Ejaculating

  

 And so do other techniques that are aimed at increasing arousal, like using porn, or finding orgasm triggers on the body such as nipple stimulation or anal stimulation. And this includes incorporating into the couple’s sex life those things which the man (and the woman!) find particularly arousing. You can read more about this in this book. 

But of course this isn’t really going to work where a man has some fundamental issue about the relationship that he’s in, or about sexuality, or about sex with a woman, or about femininity.

 In those cases it’s hard to see how the condition can be cured without addressing the underlying emotional and psychological issues. This is where men can heal wounds – i.e. emotional wounds – suffered at the hands of women (obviously, usually their mothers).

Densensitization As An Approach To DE

Men with delayed ejaculation often have a particularly “firm” way of masturbating which they learnt in adolescence. And this “death grip” may get a man accustomed to a high level of stimulation. This can mean the more gentle stimulation provided by a partner later in life isn’t enough to make him come. And neither is the much gentler stimulation of oral or vaginal sex. There’s a lot more explanation of these issues in this book.

That’s why it’s essential for men in this situation to enjoy desensitization, and also to practice masturbating with a lighter touch. It helps if you abstain from sex for some time so that your sex drive is higher than normal. It also helps if you find the “orgasm triggers” on your own body. Anal stimulation can be helpful, but there are many more. These orgasm triggers are what we could call erogenous zones.

What about the psychological issues around slow or late ejaculation?

A lot of men who have delayed ejaculation want to be in control. That’s because control is a psychological mechanism which protects a man from situations that once were harmful or threatening. 

The mind assumes anything which frightens an individual in childhood has to be avoided or protected against. And the mind does that very effectively, keeping us away from the specific event that caused the original trauma, and away from anything vaguely related or similar to it. And it does this for the rest of our lives. So a man who experienced any negative emotional experience at the hands of a woman (shame being high on the list) may well be wary of getting close to a woman in the future. And there’s no getting closer to a woman than sharing the intimacy of sex! Read more about the psychology of delayed ejaculation here.

This can explain why some men don’t get aroused enough to come, which is the main cause of delayed ejaculation: avoiding arousal means avoiding the intimacy of sexual intercourse.  Especially the most intimate moment of all – the moment of orgasm, when you lose control completely.

Men with delayed ejaculation (DE) sometimes have a certain mindset about sex and their role within it. They often see themselves as good “providers” of the female orgasm, and having a great ability to pleasure a woman. And some women in relationships with men who have DE are enjoying multiple orgasms. But many more, however, find the isolation and lack of intimacy very distressing. This is where communication between partners is essential.

delayed ejaculation, satisfying a man, sexual satisfaction, what men want in bed

Advice For Women – When A Man Has Delayed Ejaculation

Delayed Ejaculation

In essence, delayed ejaculation appears to be the opposite of premature ejaculation. This is confusing: a man appears to be aroused, and have an erection very suitable for intercourse. But no matter how long sex continues, he may be unable to ejaculate at all, or he may only be able to do so with great difficulty. How may this be explained?

On the face of it a condition such as delayed ejaculation  goes against everything we expect during sex. For most men, the prospect of vaginal intercourse is so attractive and so arousing that it promotes a quick orgasm. (Often far more rapid than either the man or his partner want.) How is it, then, that some men not only don’t ejaculate prematurely but simply can’t ejaculate during sex? 

It’s an interesting question, to say the least! Some cases of delayed ejaculation are caused by drugs that interfere with the ejaculatory mechanism. Others are caused by the man actually not being very aroused at all during sex, despite the fact that he has an erection. His low sexual arousal is not sufficient to get him to the point of ejaculatory inevitability.

Sexual arousal is product of both physical arousal in the body, together with mental arousal caused by fantasy, anticipation of sex, and the memory of previous experience of sex.

Both of these are necessary to get a man to the point where he’s ready to ejaculate. An absence of either source of stimulation will stop him from ejaculating in the normal way.

Video – male sexual arousal

But why would a man not be aroused during sexual intercourse, and why would he not not realize that? It seems the answer to that question lies in the man’s disconnection from his own sexuality. We talk, almost as a cliché, about men being cut off from their feelings, but it seems that there is a lot of reality in this for many men around sexual issues.

Previous bad experiences, childhood abuse, emotional wounding by those who shamed or made a child guilty or anxious about sex. Adult experiences of sex that go badly wrong in some way. All these can contribute to a man cutting himself off from his awareness of his sexuality, his sexual arousal, and his sexual connection with his partner. It’s what’s known in psychological terms as a defense mechanism.

These defense mechanisms are, as the name suggests, all about defending oneself from further psychological hurt. It makes sense not to feel much during sex if you’ve previously been hurt during sex.

Some men with delayed ejaculation are so committed to their partners’ well-being that they continue to attempt to satisfy their partner without realizing that their own arousal is very low.  

This may happen because their underlying hostility or resentment or fear or anger or guilt or shame needs to be brought out into the open and discussed between the partners. 

Once intimacy has been established, the man can be coached in achieving sexual pleasure for himself. Some of the fats that might be releavnt are listed below.

Some facts you may not know abut your penis and sex!

  • Men over thirty may need physical stimulation of their penis to get an erection.
  • Men can have intercourse with a partial erection.
  • Erections come and go during sex.
  • Men often lose their erection when enjoying oral sex or putting on a condom.
  • Men don’t always want sex – it’s OK to say “no”!
  • You may not get an erection if you don’t want sex with a particular woman, even if you’re naked in bed together.
  • For men in mid-life or later, sexual urgency and desire may decrease, but perhaps the most important change for them is that their erections become more elusive. Often direct physical stimulation is needed to get it up – a far cry from the days of youth when his erections popped up all over the place for no apparent reason at all!

Delayed Ejaculation Treatment

First of all, it’s important to realize that delayed ejaculation (DE) is not rare (you can read more on this here). DE is the third most common male sexual dysfunction, and it seems to affect about one man in twelve in the general population across all age ranges.

This means that it is a very significant cause of difficulty  in relationships, sexual dissatisfaction and disappointment, and low self-esteem on the part of the men who experience delayed ejaculation.

The majority of cases are caused by psychological factors, and with commitment and motivation from the man concerned (and possibly from his partner as well), a cure is actually not too difficult.

Treatment will center on several things: one of them is establishing good communication between the two partners in the sexual relationship. This is because there are many misunderstandings about each other’s needs which contribute to faulty beliefs and wrong assumptions.

For example, the man may assume that he has a responsibility to satisfy his lover sexually. The woman may assume that because the man cannot ejaculate he is not attracted to her. And so on.

Once a man and a woman in a sexual relationship begin to communicate fully and openly, intimacy is restored between them, and the first step has then been taken to establishing physical intimacy. It’s important that this process is done with clear guidance, otherwise the eruption of hostility and anger may be more destructive than constructive.

Secondly, it is necessary for the man who has delayed ejaculation to understand that something has gone wrong with the process of his sexual arousal. Although he appears to be aroused, with an erection, he may in fact have little desire to have sexual intercourse with his partner. 

This may be because of some disruption of the relationship between them, or it may be because of previous associations with sex and sexuality that have left him psychologically disturbed by sex. Shame and guilt are high on the list, and they often come from childhood experiences.

There is however nothing to stop events in adult life leading to delayed ejaculation, in which case it’s known as acquired delayed ejaculation. Lifelong delayed ejaculation, fairly obviously, would be a condition that a man had experienced from the time of his first sexual encounter.

Education videos on delayed ejaculation can be found here. 

Thirdly a program of physical intimacy exercises, called sensate focus exercises, will re-establish sexual and physical intimacy between a couple, and allow the development of true sexual arousal in the man. Once he becomes highly aroused, he will find it easier to reach the point of ejaculatory inevitability, which is the point that every man must reach in terms of sexual arousal before his ejaculation reflexes are triggered.

delayed ejaculation

Delayed Ejaculation & Intimacy

Advice For Couples Experiencing Delayed Ejaculation

It’s a common misconception, particularly on the Internet, that delayed ejaculation is a difficult problem to solve.  The reality is that most failed attempts at treatment result from a lack of understanding of what actually caused the problem in the first place.

It’s also partly the result of the fact that so few men seek treatment for the problem, mostly because they feel really embarrassed or perhaps ashamed about it. And that’s not too surprising. But it is a common problem, as you can see when you read this information about delayed ejaculation.

If you feel very different from other men – which is how a lot of men who can’t ejaculate during intercourse do seem to feel – you probably would want to keep it to yourself. Regrettably, however, a lot of men with this problem don’t talk about it even to their partners, and that’s where the trouble starts. You have to communicate if you want to save your  sex life and relationship. 

And even if you’re not in a relationship you can still make significant progress on dealing with the emotional issues that lie at its root. You see, a problem that seems very complicated  only looks that way because it’s caused by several factors working together. 

Video – relationship issues in delayed ejaculation

The first things is to think about your relationship. How do a couple feel towards each other?  How does the man feel about his relationship to his own sexuality? How does the man feel about the way he and his partner make love? These are just some of the many questions that have a clear role to play in understanding the origin of ejaculation problems.

Video – Origin of Male Ejaculation Problems

 

If, for example, one of the aspects that’s causing delayed ejaculation is lack of intimacy between partners, which in turn is leading to poor communication, the solution involves these problems. 

Essentially getting over it is about learning a new behavior which bypasses the old one. So as far as intimacy is concerned, there are some very good techniques you can use to develop a close relationship. Once you feel physically close, it’s possible to be intimately close.

Over the years therapists have come up with two main categories of reasons for delayed ejaculation. The first is the inhibition of sexual drive, and the second is a lack of sexual desire, which is also being called a desired deficit.

Both of these approaches to explaining delayed ejaculation (DE) come from therapists who have worked in the area and achieved considerable fame with their theories.

First was a woman called Helen Singer Kaplan, who was the originator of the inhibition model. The second was a man called Bernard Apfelbaum, who came up with the desire deficit or “lack of sexual desire” approach.

You might think, and you’d probably be right, that these look like extremely different approaches to the same condition. That doesn’t mean that either of them is wrong, because it could well be that the condition has more than one cause.

So using the “inhibition of sexual impulses” approach, Kaplan suggested that one way to “encourage” a man to ejaculate during sex was to stimulate his penis with extreme force, getting it as near to his partner’s vagina as was possible just before he ejaculated, so that he could push it in at the last moment and ejaculate intravaginally.

You might think this is not a very compassionate or sophisticated approach. The extraordinary thing is, though, that sometimes it actually works. Now that could be because using force to overcome a man’s inhibition about ejaculation is actually an adequate approach for some men. It may get them over a fear barrier, perhaps, or it may simply allow them to experience ejaculation in such a way that whatever was causing a blockage to their ability to ejaculate inside their partner is removed.

But it doesn’t work for everyone, and it’s quite aggressive. Whether the limited success it engenders justifies its use or not is another issue. Men who can’t ejaculate, and who are desperate to do so, would be delighted to have any treatment applied that actually results in them being able to ejaculate, regardless of whether it’s regarded by commentators like me as “aggressive” or not!

But what about the men for whom it doesn’t work? What you tend find here is that they require a combination of therapies. And certainly when that’s the case, you can bank on DE having a complicated origin, and the various threads that come together to cause it may need to be teased apart and dealt with separately. 

Delayed ejaculation is almost always an unconscious process. That means a man won’t know why he can’t ejaculate. Indeed, it would be quite extraordinary if he did, although I have come across men with great self-awareness who have a basic understanding of what’s going on. 

For example, some of them have a fear of women, some of them don’t like the partner they’re with, some of them have great resentment towards women, some, possibly, have a fear of femininity or are more oriented to same sex sexual activity.

And certainly some of the men with delayed ejaculation prefer sex with themselves to sex with women or indeed any partner. That psychological position is probably rooted in some traumatic experience in childhood.

And that’s one key to this problem: looking back into childhood. But the thing is, most men with delayed ejaculation don’t really want to look into their childhood for traumatic events that may have rendered them sexually incapable in adult hood. What they want is a cure. Regrettably it isn’t really as simple as that for the majority of men.

Nonetheless there are strategies that can be used, and, as in  Kaplan’s work, they are sometimes successful – even without delving into the subconscious. For example, one approach that is quite popular is to sensitize a man’s body to the sexual stimulation that he is receiving so that he becomes more aroused more quickly. 

For the fact of the matter is that delayed ejaculation is almost always characterized by a man having a low level of sexual arousal during intercourse, no matter how long foreplay or intercourse may continue.

In fact it’s not that his point of ejaculatory inevitability – the point of ejaculatory inevitability – is somehow set to high: it’s much more that he can’t reach that point, because he simply never gets aroused enough. That in itself implies that the roots of the condition lie in something that stopping the man becoming sexually aroused. And that turns out to be very often a disconnection from his body, or disconnection from the process of sexual arousal.

Video – low arousal in delayed ejaculation

So for some men it may be sufficient to “retrain” their bodies to respond to greater sexual arousal. And this is done through a process called sensate focus. 

Video – Delays In Ejaculating

And so do other techniques that are aimed at increasing arousal, like using porn, finding orgasm triggers on the body such as nipple stimulation or anal stimulation, or basically incorporating into the couple’s sex life those things which the man (and the woman!) find particularly arousing.

But of course this isn’t really going to work where a man has fundamental issue about the relationship that he’s in, or about sexuality, or about sex with a woman, or about femininity.

In those cases it’s hard to see how the condition can be cured without addressing the underlying emotional and psychological issues. For those men and women who don’t want to explore psychological issues, it could well be that there isn’t a great deal of desire to restore or develop an intimate and loving relationship. It could even be of course that people in this situation don’t fully understand what an intimate and loving relationship is in the first place.

Densensitization As An Approach To DE

That’s probably why sex therapists have resorted so much to desensitization as a way of retraining the man to ejaculate. This will probably work well if it’s applied with dedication in cases where there is a considerable level of anxiety on the part of the man.

Because desensitization is an effective treatment for anxiety, and it’s certainly true that a great many men have a lot of anxiety around sex, which can be eradicated just by giving them confidence. So desensitization would basically work by having a man masturbate to orgasm with his partner initially some distance away. Over a period of time, she will come nearer and nearer while the man masturbates to the point of ejaculation, although it’s absolutely essential that he takes the time and effort to learn relaxation and to ensure that his anxiety is reduced as much as possible by relaxation the nearer his partner gets to him when he is engaged in sexual activity.

Eventually, if this process is done carefully, he will reach a point where he can ejaculate with his partner beside him. And at that point, the next step may be the most difficult, potentially: to allow his partner to masturbate him to the point of ejaculation.

That can be tricky because men with delayed ejaculation often have a particularly “firm” way of masturbating which they learnt in adolescence. It follows that if you actually learn to masturbate using what’s been described as a “death grip“, it’s highly likely that you’re going to get accustomed to a high level of stimulation which will render you incapable ejaculating with either more gentle stimulation provided by partner, or the much less fierce stimulation of oral or virginal sex.

That’s why it’s absolutely essential for men in this situation not only to practice desensitization, but also to practice masturbating with a lighter touch. That process can be aided if they abstain from sex for some time so that their sex drive is actually higher, and if they find the orgasm triggers on their own body – anal stimulation being a particularly good one.

 

delayed ejaculation

Pleasuring A Man Who Has Delayed Ejaculation (2)

A man who feels inhibited in talking to you about his inability to ejaculate may want to get professional help instead.

Getting help with delayed ejaculation (DE)

There’s some helpful information about DE here. That may help a lot. And you may also want to get some counselling. So to put this into context, lifelong or chronic delayed ejaculation is more common than most men realize. It’s also different for each man who has it: a different combination of factors has caused it, and a different approach to treatment will cure it.

There are two basic models of treatment for male anorgasmia. These are called the “inhibition model” and the “desire deficit model.” Don’t worry about these terms, they are just scientific language for some simple ideas…..

Inhibition Model

The so-called inhibition model and the approach to treatment which comes from it was promoted by the famous sex therapists Masters and Johnson, and Helen Singer Kaplan.

This approach to curing delayed ejaculation assumes that a man is not receiving enough sexual stimulation – in either quality or quantity – to reach his orgasmic threshold, his point of no return, also known as the point of ejaculatory inevitability, so he is not able to ejaculate.

Obviously, the idea here is that if a man’s level of sexual stimulation can be increased above his ejaculatory threshold, then he will be able to ejaculate. However, what if his ejaculatory threshold may be so high as to make this impossible? Is this a case of inadequate stimulation or does it mean he has a high stimulation threshold?

These are actually quite different things when you think about it. For example, the high stimulation threshold concept might mean that a man’s issue with delayed ejaculation comes from some inhibition of his orgasmic capacity. Maybe he is consciously or unconsciously expressing resentment or anger by withholding his orgasm.

On the other hand, inadequate stimulation might also result from a man having an insensitive penis or penile nerves. Perhaps he learned to masturbate as an adolescent with an unusual technique such as thrusting his penis against the mattress without using his hand.

Obviously this line of reasoning suggests that treatment methods for DE might either

  • aim to increase sexual arousal through intense stimulation;
  • or they might aim to interpret and resolve conscious and unconscious impulses and neurotic defense mechanisms;
  • or they might, of course, aim at both these objectives.

Video – treatment for delayed ejaculation

If a man has a lot of anxiety around sex (and especially around his sexual performance as a lover), then increasing stimulation thresholds may simply increase a man’s anxiety even further. After all, the problem is the result of performance anxiety in the first place.

So any kind of harsh treatment (increased physical stimulation, for example) is likely to be counter-productive. It certainly sounds counter-intuitive to suggest a scheme like this for a man whose symptoms are probably rooted in anxiety anyway.

The desire deficit model for dealing with delayed ejaculation

In sex therapist Bernard Apfelbaum’s view, DE suggests there might be some deficit of arousal or desire. These deficits which need to be understood and therapeutically investigated. That way, a man can take responsibility for dealing with the unconscious conflicts which have caused his delayed ejaculation in the first place. (You can read more about this problem in this book.)

Apfelbaum described this as “counter bypassing”. He suggested that treatment for delayed ejaculation should explore a man’s lack of desire for sexual intercourse and his lack of arousal. After all, it is these which lead to his inability to ejaculate during sex in the first place.

Some men with delayed ejaculation do indeed feel they are withholding something from their partner. They feel that they should be more “giving”. This implies that changing a man’s beliefs around sex in general and his difficulty ejaculating in particular are important in treatment. 

When a man has delayed ejaculation, he may often have a long-lasting erection, which he can maintain for hours – but this is not a sign of his arousal.

Indeed, many men in this situation have very low desire: they do not actually want to have sex, they do not desire their partner, but they feel at the same time compelled to have intercourse to please their partner.

However, some therapists have observed that many men with ejaculation problems may also experience some degree of obsessive-compulsive disorders, paraphilia, anxiety disorders, and even various personality disorders. In such cases, DE is not just caused by inhibited arousal and desire in a partner-specific context. It is also backed up by other psychological issues that could benefit from therapy.

Apfelbaum also suggested that in cases of slow or non-existent ejaculation, the man only finds his own touch erotically arousing. This suggests he is “autosexual” (i.e. masturbatory) rather than heterosexual or homosexual.

But what if idiosyncratic masturbation simply means a man can only reach orgasm through masturbation? it may not be a sign that he only finds his own touch arousing (though of course the latter statement might also be true).

In other words, DE is not necessarily a sign of autosexuality, or autoeroticism, and this will be especially true when a man is clear that he wishes he could ejaculate during sex. 

However, in practice there is no clear division between different approaches in the treatment of delayed ejaculation. Any treatment will probably open up the subconscious drives and inhibitions which affect a man’s sexual relationship with his partner.

From this point of view, the open expression of feelings, awareness of lack of arousal, and the ability to indulge one’s own desires rather than focus on the needs of one’s partner, are all clearly highly desirable objectives. And that is true both within and without the framework of professional therapy. 

Video – healthy selfishness during sex

A final word about professional therapy

In therapy, the facilitator will offer or stimulate different interpretations of the sexual beliefs held by the man and his partner around sex and intercourse. This is a kind of reframing approach which allows men and their partners to “see things in a different light”, a kind of decontamination of the beliefs which the man holds.

There may be some powerful insights which have an impact on the cognitive level almost immediately – others, more deeply rooted in the unconscious, may take longer to change. Surrogate therapy with specially trained partners has also been helpful too.

What all this tells us is that all treatment approaches reflect some reality for one man or another with delayed ejaculation. Apfelbaum and Kaplan look at different sides of the same coin: on the one side, the unconscious aggression and hostility that makes a man experience low arousal with his partner. On the other, feelings of guilt, shame, a tendency to excessive giving during sex, and so on. 

erectile dysfunction

Don’t be fazed by erectile dysfunction

Erectile dysfunction

If you have difficulty getting erect during sex you don’t want to be told the answer lies in Viagra or penile implants – you want to be able to enjoy either planned or spontaneous masturbation, intercourse and oral sex confidently, knowing that your penis will be ready just when you need it to be.

The truth is that many doctors don’t have time to talk through all the emotional and psychological issues that might affect your erection.

This book tells you how to get your erection back and keep it hard for as long as you want in a simple, comprehensive and understandable way. 

It shows you the emotional issues that can affect your penis and your erections, and how your relationship with your partner may be part of the problem; it reveals how you can find out what’s causing your erectile dysfunction or impotence, or the loss of your erection, and it explains how you can put it right, showing you the techniques you need to do this, step by step.

At the moment you might be feeling bad about yourself. When a man can’t get an erection he’s missing a basic part of his masculinity. No surprise, really. An erect penis is the most basic symbol of being a man; more than this, it feels good to be erect, to show your potency to the world – or the woman you’re having sex with.

Your erection says, “Look at my masculinity. Look at my erection and know I can have you, I can give us both sexual pleasure.” In fact, it tells your sexual partner of your male power and pride – and it shows you that you can penetrate and take your partner sexually.

Without an erection, you’re going to feel less of a man.

I don’t think women can really understand, deep down in their guts, as we men do, how important a man’s ability to get it hard and erect during sex is to his sense of self. Waking up with a morning erection is a daily reminder of our potency and male power.

Responding to sexual stimulation with sexual desire and arousal keeps us aware of our masculinity. Finding that we get erect when we might have intercourse or sexual pleasure with a partner is a fundamental part of being male. It reinforces our masculinity.

No wonder that erectile dysfunction, impotence and losing your erection are such a big deal. 

That’s no mystery: to be able to have sex on demand, to make love as and when you choose, to know you can enjoy your partner whenever you both want it – that is a vital part of being a man.

How Does Impotence, or Erectile Dysfunction, Begin?

Maybe you’re a young man starting out on your sexual experiences, and you’ve found you couldn’t get hard when you were with a girl who wanted to have sex with you.

Maybe you’re in your thirties, forties or fifties and you’ve suddenly found that your penis doesn’t get hard like it once did. You might not be able to rely on it becoming erect and hard when you start kissing, or even when you’re in bed with a naked and willing woman.

Maybe you want to make love to a woman you’ve just met, but your penis stays soft. Perhaps you once lost your erection in the middle of making love for some reason, and since then it hasn’t been reliable.

Maybe you’re an older man who has given up on getting erect, and if you have sex at all, you can only offer oral sex and masturbation to your partner.

Or maybe you have diabetes which is affecting your potency. Perhaps medication you’re taking for another condition, like SSRIs for depression, or Ranitidine for excess stomach acid, is affecting your erections.

For each and every one of these situations – and all the rest not mentioned – there is a cure, a treatment that will stop your erection problem.

Erectile dysfunction may or may not occur when a man is masturbating on his own. Often, though, impotence doesn’t happen in isolation. It’s a problem for two people – you and the woman you’re with. And women are often not as sympathetic as they might be to erection problems. Sad, but true.

Performance anxiety and impotence or erectile dysfunction

You might have noticed how you can sometimes lose your erection when you have sex. This can happen for lots of reasons: you’re feeling depressed, tired, stressed, worried about sex with a new partner, you don’t want to have sex with an old partner, you had too much to drink – whatever.

These things aren’t exactly erectile dysfunction or impotence – they are more like a kind of performance anxiety before you get into bed. But all of these things can make you lose your erection, and if it’s happened once it may happen again, often when you least expect it.

We all want to look manly, and there’s nothing more important than being able to get hard when we’re with an attractive sexual partner.

So if you lose your erection when you have sex, and that’s a new experience, it’s one that you’re going to worry about. And when you worry about it, guess what happens next time? You lose your erection. And so it goes on, each time getting worse and worse, until you start to avoid sex altogether.

Each time you get into bed you’re more focused on whether or not your penis will work than on the sex. This makes it even more likely your penis won’t get erect.

This can even lead to a situation where you develop a good erection during foreplay and then, when it comes to the moment of penetration, or the moment of putting on the condom, you lose it pretty much instantly. This is hard to understand and even harder to cope with: just when you think the situation is solved, it suddenly gets worse!

And as if this wasn’t bad enough, you might then find that you develop premature ejaculation or your desire for your partner disappears….

What do men do when they discover they have erectile dysfunction?

Men try lots of things when they first discover they have an erection problem. Maybe you’ve thought about trying some of these ideas yourself, or maybe you’ve already plunged right in and tried them out.

The most common one is to have sex with another woman – younger or more sexy than your current partner. Some men feel tempted to pay for sex. Others try Viagra. Many look for porn on the internet.

Some want to try new sexual practices with their partner: tying her up, talking dirty, dressing up, spanking, whatever. Some men avoid sex altogether and throw their energies into work or hobbies.

But these are not solutions – and they probably won’t work anyway.

Although an erection problem is a bad experience, you don’t have to try these things, nor do you have to suffer in silence – or, indeed, suffer at all.

Some Common Erection Problems You May Have Experienced

You don’t get erect through fantasy, seeing your partner’s body, or thinking about sex any more

When you’re a young man, your penis leaps to attention at the least hint of sex. It’s not quite as eager when you’re in your thirties, forties or fifties – you respond more slowly. And if you were mostly turned on by fantasy or sexual thoughts when you were young, getting an erection can be much harder when you’re older.

To discover that you don’t get an erection when you’re watching an attractive sexual partner undressing or showing off her body can be a real shock. The good news is that this is one of the easiest forms of erectile dysfunction to solve.

Premature ejaculation can lead to impotence

A surprising fact, maybe, but it happens. You try and tune out what you’re thinking about when you have sex to slow down your ejaculation – and then, bang! Before you know it, your erection has disappeared. 

Physical problems can cause erection difficulties

There are a lot of medications that damp down a man’s capacity to have an erection.

For example, drugs used to treat depression or high blood pressure may cause erectile dysfunction. Older men may have diabetes, nerve problems, circulation problems, or other medical problems. (One sign of this is that you can’t get an erection when you masturbate.)

But be careful here – you might just have a low level of testosterone. In my opinion, that isn’t a serious problem because it can easily be treated, and I tell you how in the member’s area of this website.

Low testosterone can cause erectile dysfunction

A decline in testosterone affects about one man in 10 over the age of forty and almost half of all men aged 70.

Symptoms include lack of erections, low sex drive, depression, aches and pains, irritability and personality change, tiredness and a lack of enthusiasm and energy for life. This is one of the most important pieces of information any man over fifty can have.

Emotional problems can be both the cause and the effect of erectile dysfunction

Depression and anxiety are the most common cause of erection difficulties, but they can be treated – and the associated erection problems can be cured too.

Other things that can affect your erections include anger, resentment, sexual boredom, a failing relationship, loss of desire, low libido….and many more. They are all featured on this website.

But how can you tell if there’s an emotional or physical basis to your erection problem? Well, you can rule out a physical problem immediately if you’re able to get an erection when you masturbate or if you have morning or night-time erections. If you do, the loss of your erection during sex might be caused by anxiety about losing your erection. (Yes, it really does work that way!)

By the way, physical problems are much less of a barrier to overcoming an erection problem than you might think. 

Erectile dysfunction or impotence often seems like a total and permanent sexual disaster, but in fact you just have to know how to deal with it and what to do about it.

The book explains in detail all of the emotional issues associated with erectile problems, what you can do about them, and how you can easily, quickly and simply resolve them and stop them happening again. It also describes how you and your partner can establish complete and relaxed communication about sex, end your sexual problems (both yours and hers), reinforce your loving feelings for each other, and improve many other aspects of your relationship.

Things You May Not Know About Impotence and Erectile Dysfunction

One of the big problems we face as men in this society is that there are so many myths floating around which put huge pressure on us to perform sexually.

They also give us a sense of failure when we don’t match up to them. I examine them all in the website, and tell you how to find your own way sexually, regardless of what others expect of you.

Here are some of the worst myths:

A man should be able to have sex on demand with any woman who is willing and available. This is ridiculous, and any man who believes it will undoubtedly find his erection wilting from time to time. Here’s the truth: there plenty of women in the world with whom you wouldn’t ever want to have sex – and it’s OK to say “no” to them!

A man should be able to get an erection on demand, all the time, every time. If you judge standards of male sexuality by what you see in the tabloid press (“We did it six times a night” – that kind of crap), or even by what your male friends tell you, you’re heading for erection problems when you find you can’t match up.

The truth is that a man does not get erect every time, and at any one time, about ten percent of all men have erection problems.

A man should never be nervous when having sex. This is another myth about male sexuality. Men are likely to be just as anxious when meeting a new partner, or indeed making love to an old one, as women.

A lot of male anxiety comes from the idea that a man is always expected to lead, direct and take the initiative in sex. Women who believe this, and want you to lead and initiate sex all the time, are only adding to your erection problems.

A man should be able to seduce and successfully take to bed every woman he meets who seems to be attracted to him. When you buy in to this belief, you set yourself up for failure. You can’t expect to be sexually successful with any and every woman you meet. Sometimes sex doesn’t go smoothly; from the surprising, like finding your partner has some unexpected sexual preferences, to the mundane, like not being able to find the opening to your partner’s vagina as you try to enter her, the path of sex never runs quite as smoothly as it might. To overcome these challenges, you need to be intimate and relaxed with your partner, not starting out from a macho place where you think you should know what to do during every moment of every sexual encounter.

 

bromance

“Bromance” – What Does It mean?

Romance is alive and well!
(Between Straight Men)

For those of you who have done a lot of men’s work, that probably isn’t going to come as a surprise.

For those of you who aren’t yet open to the possibility of relationships which go beyond the conventional, this might be quite shocking.

For those who know what we’re talking about, this will seem quite natural.

It’s all about Bromance!

The surprising thing here is that young men can get more emotional satisfaction out of relationships with other men than they do out of romantic relationships with women.

Yet, it’s true. A bromance – the word used to describe close male heterosexual friendships with other men – can be more satisfying to a men than his relationships with women. And that’s true even for men who are in a romantic relationship with a woman! (We’re talking emotional satisfaction, not sexual satisfaction. Generally sex doesn’t come into a bromance.)

I mean – don’t you think this is an extraordinary finding? And yes, we need to be careful with it, rather than take it as an absolute truth. The study which produced this finding was only a small one. But if it is true, it’s a potentially earthshaking finding.

We’re all accustomed to think that the “norm” is all about close emotional relationships between men and women, where a couple experience intimacy, connection and the ability to “talk about everything”. That’s certainly what a lot of women would like to believe.

So to find that men may be more satisfied emotionally in their relationships with other men shakes our preconceptions to their foundation.

One question that immediately comes up is – where is sex and sexual pleasure in all of this?

Let’s start at the beginning before we get that difficult question. First and foremost there is a movement in society towards closer relationships between men. That is the product of much men’s work which has dispelled cultural stereotypes about men connecting only through work, sport or drinking.

And that’s a good thing. At least it seems that way to men who are taking part in the men’s movement. There’s certainly something about a men’s group which liberates men to talk about deeper issues in a way they wouldn’t normally. Ask why, and you’ll probably hear men say it’s the lack of judgement or criticism from their fellow men, who understand absolutely (of course they do!) what it’s like to be a man in today’s world.

But there could be a downside. What if a shift towards intimate relationships between men – otherwise known as “bromances” – leads to weaker bonds between dating or married couples? What if, horror of horrors, it led to men and women only getting together for sex?

Well, I think you can put your fears aside. There’s no sign of marriage, dating or relationships between the sexes becoming any less important, at least not from where I’m viewing the landscape of life.

What I do see becoming more important is men being able to connect with each other in an intimate and emotionally satisfying way.

Why is this a good thing? Because it opens men out to their basic humanity. It gives them a dimension that’s missing when their world when it consists of a relationship with a woman and male friendships that are  based on hearty, backslapping, sharing-good-times-kind-of-get-togethers.

Anyhow, this study involved only 30 heterosexual men who were in college and had at some time been in a relationship with a woman. And it wasn’t a racially diverse group , nor was it diverse in age range or interests. In fact, the truth is all men were straight , white and were studying for a sports-related degree.

OK, so not a stereotypical group then! And joking aside, every single one in this group said that they had had at least one “bromantic” friend. In the context of this study, that was defined as somebody with whom they could express love, share their secrets, perhaps even cuddle, and sleep in the same bed. (But not engage in sexual activity.)

When you think about it logically there is no reason why any of this shouldn’t happen. And the other surprise here is that we’re not accustomed to it happening, that it’s not regarded as normal behavior between men.

Bromances Were Normal Once Upon A Day

There was a time, in fact, in the first half of the 20th century when bromances were commonplace and completely accepted. It was the rise of homophobia which made them unacceptable. (An unfortunate consequence, perhaps, of gay liberation.)

So are we returning to a situation that was once natural for men?

Hard question to answer, and perhaps it’s really the wrong question in the first place. Maybe the right question is what men get out of this.

One thing that the men in the study reported is that they felt less judged by their close male friends than by their girlfriends. Some of them said they felt they had to be “more manly” around their girlfriends than around their male friends. In other words, the pressure is off. What a relief….!

There’s something really interesting about that. I’ve spent my adult life working with men to bring them into closer connection with their true masculinity. That way, they can embody it in their lives.

Invariably they find this experience a source of deep satisfaction. I guess that’s because they’re correctly inhabiting a body and mind which is designed to operate within a certain set of parameters: male parameters. It’s deeply fulfilling be living your gender in a truly embodied way.

Yet here we have men feeling comfortable because apparently they don’t feel as much pressure to be manly. And another oddity about this is that many of the men in my men’s groups, who embody masculinity fully, also say that they feel love for other men.

Perhaps, therefore, men loving men is more about being comfortable with emotion than being comfortable with your masculinity. Not sure about that one. The study wasn’t big enough to tell us.

But what did come through from the men who were interviewed for this research was that it was the emotional intimacy with another man that was the most satisfying aspect of the relationship.

Is that a surprise? Not really. There is deep affirmation for all of us in connecting at a level that goes beyond the superficiality of sports and alcohol. And there’s an added dimension of meaning to life when you can connect with another man at this level.

So perhaps all we are experiencing here is men learning to relate to each other in the way that women have related to each other for a very long time.

Now, I have to confess that I have experienced a bromance, which was nonsexual in nature, and I found it truly satisfying at a very deep level. In fact I would go so far as to say that I found it at least as satisfying, and perhaps more so. than an intimate loving relationship with a woman.

Does that mean I’m uncomfortable in relating to the feminine? Does it mean that I don’t know my boundaries as a man and being with a woman is emotionally challenging? Yeah, maybe. Yet I’ve done a lot of work on my masculinity and I think I’m pretty good at those things.

So if I had to explain the romance, I’d say it was actually more about my own development as a human being rather than as a man.

I’ve worked on shedding anger, shame, sadness and guilt, and repairing the damage inflicted me in childhood. Now I’m working in the world as an autonomous human being with a  clear sense of my own boundaries, thoughts, feelings and behavior.

Now I have no fear about connecting with my male buddies in this way. I don’t care what anyone else thinks. I know what is true for me.

What I’m saying here is that I’m thinking the bromance might be one  consequence of becoming more human rather than about becoming more  masculine, or less connected to women.

After all, all personal development work has one ultimate aim – to make somebody the person who they truly were before the world changed them into something different.

And yet, even as I write this, there’s still something missing but I quite figured out. There’s a different quality to the love I’ve experienced for a man to the love I’ve experienced for a woman.

That might be simply because sex is off the agenda, and it’s not going to produce issues between us.

But somehow the whole idea of bromance feels deeper than that: it feels like an affirmation of me as a man.

No matter how puzzling or surprising it might be, my love for another man is certainly a part becoming whole again after the rigors and wounds of my childhood.

And yes, I recommend bromance to any man. To be understood and accepted and loved in this way is a profound experience (no matter whether it’s a woman or a man who’s doing the loving).

Yet there is another dimension when it’s a man you’re loving. You get an affirmation of self you’re not going to get in a romantic relationship with a woman.

 

satisfying a man

Pleasuring A Man’s Penis (Advice For Women)

Every man relies on his partner for sexual pleasure.  But what if the couple want different amounts of sex (i.e. penetrative intercourse)?

Over the years I’ve seen a lot of suggestions on the Internet that women’s sex drive is just as high as men’s.

But when I look more closely, into the detail, I get the impression that a lot of reports which say that women enjoy as high a sex drive as men come from women who are in some way trying to restore the balance with men.

It’s almost as though having a high sex drive, and being libidinous for much of the time is a desirable state of affairs! And one in which women want to be equal to men!

Yet when you look at the scientific research, it’s quite clear that men do have a higher sex drive and a greater demand for sex at every stage of a relationship.

Now the interesting twist to this simple fact of human nature is that men want all kinds of sex, but especially penetrative sex, much more often than women do.

I mean, when you think about it, penetration is an intense act, and to enjoy it fully, woman’s really got to be in the mood. From the male point of view, it’s not much fun making love to a woman who doesn’t really want to be in bed with you.

(Although I suspect a lot of women feel it’s easier to submit to requests for sex from their man than to say “no”.)

But in any decent relationship, it’s the woman who controls the frequency of sex, and if she is limiting the amount of penetrative intercourse, then it’s not unreasonable for the couple to look for some kind of alternative for the man to enjoy sexual pleasure and satisfaction without intercourse.

Sure, a lot of people will say “Well let him masturbate or self-pleasure.”

But the reality is that although this can be a very powerful and wonderful experience, it is purely physical and it doesn’t have have the added bonus of any psychological or emotional interaction with a partner.

And that is something which makes foreplay, arousal and orgasm (and of course ejaculation for men) much more fun…. I mean, if the partner’s taking part in the sexual pleasure.

Alternatives to intercourse

But a woman who doesn’t want to enjoy penetrative intercourse when her man’s erect and aroused, and he’s sniffing around for sex like an unfixed cat, what’s the answer?

Well there are plenty of answers, in fact. To start with, almost every man in the world loves what has become colloquially known as a titty-f*ck.

This is the thrusting of the penis, hopefully well lubricated, between a pair of breasts. Now, the pleasure of this does not depend on the a size of a man’s penis.

If his penis is small, for example, he may not feel very much inside his partner’s vagina. But with breasts tightly enclosing his penile shaft and glans, regardless of size, any man is going to enjoy intense satisfaction, not to mention sexual fulfilment and hopefully pleasure from his partner’s skilful sexual stimulation.

Many women seem to enjoy this as well, either because their tits are getting attention they don’t usually get, or simply because it’s arousing and exciting for a woman to see the power she has over her man. The real reason remains a feminine secret!

Certainly a lot of women seem to enjoy watching men ejaculate – after all, it’s a visible sign that a man is enjoying himself, and he’s enjoying himself because he’s there with his woman. Good for the self-esteem, perhaps!

Another good alternative sex technique (if the woman is in the mood for it) is to allow the man to thrust his penis between her buttocks, which will possibly give her pleasure as well if he’s stimulating her anal region as his penis moves over her perineum and butt crack.

And of course there’s always the good old hand job – a reliable and pleasurable way to reach orgasm, whoever is doing the stimulation.  (OK, I admit, it’s probably much more pleasurable if somebody else is doing it than if you’re doing it yourself.)

There are plenty of videos on YouTube, and plenty of websites on the Internet, which give detailed explanations of how you can enjoy sexual pleasure in these ways, so I won’t bother repeating the instructions here.

However – one point to make is that last but not least, of course, there is oral pleasuring. A good standby, and it doesn’t need to take a man to orgasm and ejaculation, particularly if the woman doesn’t like the taste of semen.

She can always finish him off with her hand, and the truth is that by the time he’s so aroused that he’s ready to ejaculate, he may not even notice the difference when she does use her hand.

You might be wondering whether or not there is any common factor which underlies these different methods of pleasuring a man.

Well yes, there are.

To be wholly present while your man receives pleasure is important. If you’re doing the pleasuring as a favor, and you really feel that you’d prefer to be somewhere else, it’s not the most confidence boosting or self-esteem affirming sexual experience a man can have!

So if you find that you don’t want to enjoy sexual activities with your partner, it’s best to say so, and to fix a time which you can both look forward to for the mutual satisfaction and pleasure that physical intimacy can provide.

what men want in bed

What Men Really Want In Bed

Sometimes what men want in bed can seem like a real mystery – especially if they’re not willing to talk about it!

So here, courtesy of the best experts on the Internet, are a few things that men say they want (but which they might not have told you!)

1 To Act Out Sexual Fantasies

Men, just like you, want to try out their fantasies.

Unfortunately porn today might make age-old fantasies like wearing a French maid’s outfit might seem a bit tame!

But there’s no reason why women should be obliged to fulfill outrageous male fantasies seen in porn just because men feel that doing so would satisfy them sexually.

Anyway, the reality is rather different. Porn can introduce emotional poison into a relationship because it may produce ridiculous male expectations about women’s willingness to experiment. It can also produce resentment when women quite reasonably refuse to participate in playing out those fantasies.

If a woman wants to know how to sexually satisfy her man in bed, the best way is for her to ask him. (And of course, he needs to be ready to tell her, prompted or not.) When he reveals the fantasies he wants to play out,  talk about them. This is the best way to understand what’s important and acceptable to you both.

That said, talking about sex and what will give you both pleasure in bed is a great way to introduce your fantasies to your partner. And if you’re really in love with each other, or at least if you have a deep level of trust, many things are possible in the exploration of your fantasies.

2 To Feel Safe

A man really wants to feel safe with a woman when they’re being sexual. That means feeling safe from criticism or negative judgment.

You see, male sexuality is not the robust and ever-ready thing that’s portrayed in modern literature, and particularly in porn. Although this may surprise many women, men are extremely vulnerable sexually. 

The male ego is a delicate thing. No wonder! No man can ever be sure that his erection is 100% certain. Yet at the same time men are expected to be sexually ready whenever their partner wants intimacy.  They are are expected to initiate sex, to lead during sex, and even to bring a woman to orgasm.

All of this places a large burden on men. And men also experience a sense of sexual competitiveness with other men. All this means it is easy for men to feel sexually vulnerable.

Against this background, any judgments you make can really detract from your man’s confidence in himself as a man and in his sexual confidence.

To be sexually relaxed and happy, to be sexually satisfied, a man needs to be certain that his partner is not going to judge or criticize him.

If you’re a woman in relationship with a man, you need to cultivate an open and loving attitude towards him. So if you want him to do things differently in bed, don’t say “You never….” or “Don’t…” or sound irritated.  Instead, try saying something like “It would feel wonderful if you could just do….”

And in this context, don’t take it personally if a man loses his erection. This is absolutely vital.

Tiredness or stress or worry (about many things) can impact a man’s capacity to maintain an erection. Don’t start taking his softness personally. Don’t choose to believe it’s about you, either! When you do this, you create anxiety which can make the whole performance-anxiety situation worse.

Just accept that sometimes you don’t want sex, sometimes a man can’t keep his erection. It’s not about you not being attractive enough for him to perform in bed sexually!

3 To Feel Manly and Sexually Competent

Men want women to help them feel confident and manly in bed by being non-judgmental and supportive.

You’ve probably never thought of your man as vulnerable. If you have, you might never have thought him as vulnerable sexually. Or emotionally. 

But men are emotionally and sexually vulnerable. And so if you are to satisfy your man sexually, you have to help him feel manly and confident.

This all relates to what men get want from sex. Obviously a man’s sexual satisfaction and pleasure are important. At the same time sex provides men and women alike with other things: a sense of youthfulness, a sense of power, sense of manliness (or femininity), a sense of normality, a sense being adequate, or even just a sense of being sexually competent.

Anything that a woman does which negatively impacts a man’s sense of masculinity will stop him opening up to you. It will also prevent him allowing himself to feel vulnerable. And then, sex will become a physical thing rather than an emotional thing.

By the way, although men do tend to want to be sexually dominant, that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The different sexual roles of men and women in bed can lead to greater fulfillment and sexual pleasure. Sometimes that relies on one partner being the dominant one and the other yielding or being the submissive one.

4 To Feel Nurtured

Many men want to feel your fundamental feminine qualities of nurturing and support during sex.

Many women don’ know how important these qualities can be within their relationship. Men often want the support and nurture that their wives can naturally provide, although they rarely ask for it or even talk about it.

What men actually want, what actually pleases a man in bed, is to be with a woman who is intimate, tender, and loving.

Men also get pleasure when a woman initiates sex and really enjoys her sexual feelings towards him.

Women tend forget that men are just as emotional as women, even though they don’t show it. Sex can be a massive expression of intimacy for a man and a direct route to feeling his emotions.

5 To Be With A Confident Woman

Men want women to feel positive about their bodies. That’s because it’s a real turnoff for men when women make negative remarks about their own bodies. 

No matter why women do this, it’s just not appropriate in bed.

Of course you might be anxious that your man feels negative about your body, and you’re just testing him to see what he has to say. There are better ways to find out than that!

For one thing, it’s a massive turnoff for a man when a woman puts herself down or makes negative comments about her body.

It shows him that you’re not in the moment with him, and probably not feeling sexual either. It also suggests that you’re insensitive to his feelings of physical attraction towards you.

To satisfy a man it’s necessary to have a pleasing attitude to your own body. If you really don’t have a positive attitude to your own body, it might be worth seeking out some counselling support to help you change your viewpoint.

6 To Be With a Woman Who Can Express Her Sexual Needs

Men want women to express their sexual needs, not leave it to them to guess what she wants.

Men are often baffled by women’s variable sexuality, particularly when what pleases a woman in bed seems to change from one day to the next.

The key to getting sex right is to simply tell your man what you want, openly and honestly.

Of course this requires him to be able to listen to you and to respond appropriately. This is an important part of  learning to be intimate together and to enjoy sexual pleasure in bed.

If you’re shy about talking about what turns you on, one thing you can always do is to take his hand and guide him on ways to pleasure you.

Better, though, that you establish open and honest communication. And above all keep sex positive and fun.
One way to ensure sex is fun is to keep it positive. And to do that, don’t say what you don’t like! Simply tell him what you do like when you’re together.

7 To Be With A Woman Who Can Take Responsibility for Her Own Sexual Pleasure in Bed

You need to explain to your man how you reach orgasm, how you obtain sexual pleasure. He also needs to know whether it’s important that you to have an orgasm during intercourse.

Not knowing this can spoil sex for both of you. When your expectations aren’t clear, you’re being unfair. Anyway, if you leave it to your man to figure out what makes you come, you might never have an orgasm!

Not explaining what gives you the ultimate sexual satisfaction in bed is ridiculous! Your man doesn’t live inside your body, so he needs your help to understand what turns you on and takes you to orgasm.

Don’t leave him to fumble on his own and then express your irritation or anger towards him because he hasn’t done it right!

Simply tell him what you want, or take his hand and guide him in a way that will give both the sexual pleasure that you desire. Easy!

8 Trust

A man wants you to trust each other enough to feel completely vulnerable to each other.

To feel safe, vulnerable and open to another person without reservation allows the deepest expression of your emotions and feelings.

It also leads to the ability to “let go” at the moment of orgasm, to completely abandon yourself to the sensations of sexual pleasure and fulfillment. This is a great way to satisfy a man in bed.

To truly pleasure a man, you need to be vulnerable, open and yielding. At the same time, for you to be able to please him in every way, he needs to be ready and willing to let you to satisfy him at the deepest level. And that means opening up to you emotionally as well.

 

sexual satisfaction

How To Sexually Satisfy A Man In Bed

Browse the Internet and you’ll find lots of articles full of tips about how to sexually satisfy a man in bed.

But the sad truth is, many of these ideas are off the wall. I mean, one article I found featured this as tip #1: “Have him lay on his back while you straddle him and give him what he really wants: a view of your scalp as you make your way down on him.”

As a recipe for sexual satisfaction, that’s not so helpful! Surely, what’s needed here are clear, simple instructions and sexual techniques which every man will find satisfying?

So with that in mind, here are six guaranteed successful sex moves to turn a man on and satisfy him in bed.

1 Always remember: to him, you’re a sex goddess!

Yes, you are a sex goddess – even if you don’t know it yet! You’re a sex goddess simply because you’re a woman. And as a woman you have many ways to please a man in bed.

By the way, this isn’t just about having a body which he craves. Nor is it about acting like a porn star or some mad sex-crazed nymph.

No, to give your man a great time in bed, you simply need to discover what excites him. To discover what’s going to give him more pleasure than you’ve ever given him before. And when you know that, you can help him turn his desires from fantasy to reality. Keep that in mind as we reveal five more great tips for sexual success!

2 Discover His Kinks and Fantasies !

Just as you have some secret desires and fantasies which are massive turn-ons, so does your man. In fact he probably has far more fantasies than you.

Truth is, almost every man can list many things which could turn him on. That being so, you shouldn’t have any trouble finding something which really excites him.

Maybe it’s as simple as wearing an extra-tight pair of jeans which show off your ass to the best advantage. Or maybe he’d appreciate a top that reveals your cleavage rather more than usual.

Then again, it might be something a bit more hard-core. Maybe he’d like to see you making love to another woman in a bit of girl-on-girl action. Maybe he’d like to try anal pleasure.

Of course, whether or not you want to go that far is up to you. Obviously you’d have more complex issues to deal with in that scene than if you simply wore some sexy underwear! 

But hey, if his fantasy tickles your fancy too, then why not try it? 

One of the best ways to satisfy your man sexually in the bedroom is to find out what his kinks really are –

– and then try them. Yep, even the one where you’re having sex with another woman (as long as it pleases you too!)

Any problems? Well, yes. The difficult thing about this is going to be finding out what his kinks actually are.

You see, he’s not used to opening up and speaking about these things. He might think they’re shameful. He’ll certainly think they’re private. He may worry you’ll be shocked about them.

So one great way to encourage him to spill the beans is for you to tell him some of your kinks.

Play a game. For every fantasy you reveal to him, tell him he has to reveal one of his. Start small and work up. As he reveals each of the things which excite him, consider whether or not you might be willing to sexually satisfy him in bed by trying them out with him.

3 Learn the Art of Talking Dirty!

Does this sound like a bit of a cliche? Well, it isn’t! Men are turned on by the sound of sex, not the sound of silence.

You know that’s true, because you’ve seen all those women moaning and groaning in porn films (haven’t you?). Sure, I’ve never heard the noises they make come out of the mouth of any woman I’ve ever been intimate with! But that doesn’t matter. Men find noisy sex exciting.

But there’s more. A man will find sex infinitely more exciting when you whisper in his ear “F*ck my hot wet c*nt.” The first girl who said that to me made me come there and then. So master the art of talking dirty! And get yourself over the idea of being a “good girl” during sex, too! There’s a wild sex goddess inside every woman, including you, just waiting to get out. 

When you talk dirty, act dirty, and throw your inhibitions aside, you really will have the power to massively turn your man on and truly satisfy him in bed….

And sure, if you wanted to sound like one of those girls in the porn films moaning and groaning, that’s gonna turn him on as well.

I hate to say it, but if you felt like taking lessons from those porn stars, you could do. If you’re not quite up to the level of “F*ck my hot wet c*nt” just yet, then try something simpler when he hits the right spot: “Oh yes! Oh yes! Just there! Just there! Make me come!” 

You can move on from there to things like “You feel so good inside me.” “I love feeling your hard throbbing dick inside me.” “You feel so big. Fill me up!” Well, I’m sure you get the idea.

And remember also that what goes on outside the bedroom can lead you and your man directly to sexual satisfaction as well. For example, send sexy text messages to him during the day. This will turn him on and make him anticipate being with you. It’ll also add to his pleasure when you make love later in the day.

4 Do Things Differently

The changes you make to your sexual routine don’t have to be big to produce a thrill! You could do something as simple as having sex with the lights on, rather than off. You could make love in the garden, or in the countryside. The risk of being seen adds a frisson of excitement.

What’s going on here, of course, is that you’re tapping into the male need for variation. Men in a long term relationship often fear sexual boredom will descend simply because they’re continually having sex with the same woman.

And, yes, we all know there’s a male need for variety. So why don’t you provide it, rather than have him explore this with another woman?

Try role-play, for example. Don’t ever underestimate the power of dressing up in a sexy French maid’s outfit to excite and satisfy your man!

For him, this kind of excitement leads to bigger and better orgasms. And bigger orgasms will keep him faithful to you. They will also make keep him much more willing to sexually satisfy his woman – that’s you! – in the bedroom as well!  

There are other advantages to doing this. The more sexual knowledge and experience you have, the more you will know what excites your man and turns him on. That way you can build up a kind of “database” of great sex moves that are highly pleasurable for your man.

5 Learn How to Give Amazing Oral Sex

Every woman who’s serious about learning how to satisfy her man needs to learn exactly how to give him the kind of blow job that is really going to pleasure and satisfy him in bed.

Let me explain. For a man, nothing is more satisfying than the warmth and wetness of your pussy as you make love. But it’s probably true that for every man, oral pleasure comes a close second. A very close second, in fact.

The reason? Your tongue gives you the ability to stimulate those very sensitive spots on his penis head in a way that nothing else can. Done correctly, a good blow job can be a ticket to heaven for a man.

And it’s not difficult to do this. All you have to do is really put your heart and soul into giving him oral pleasure.

You see, he hates mechanical oral sex with no passion or excitement behind it. He wants to know that giving him pleasure in this way is thrilling you as well.

Which all means you need to vary what you’re doing. You need to take the trouble to find out what excites him. You might try gently licking and stroking his testicles as well. You can take him to the edge and then back off. You can lick, suck and play with his penis using your tongue. You can lick his balls – most men love that!

Above all, from time to time make eye contact with him. In fact, look at him with something like adoration in your eyes as you satisfy him and he will love you forever.

You can also use your hands as well as your mouth. That can be helpful if his penis is larger than average.

Spit or swallow? Well, you don’t have to accept his semen in your mouth if you don’t like it. However, coming inside your mouth will add to his pleasure. You can always spit his semen out immediately into some tissues.

6 Learn How to Give an Amazing Hand Job

Your man will absolutely adore good oral sex, but he will also adore a great hand job too. A good hand job can seriously sexually satisfy a man.

You think he’s not interested? Think again! It’s not true men aren’t bothered about getting hand jobs from their women. It simply looks that way because most women never bother to learn how to satisfy a man in bed with their hand. You, however, can find all the knowledge you need right here.

Ladyscaping - does it please men?

Ladyscaping – Who’s It For?

I suppose when you see the headline of this article you might wonder why we’re even asking the question. After all, isn’t that what men want? Isn’t that why all porn shows women shaven – ahem – “down there”?

But is this just another aspect of the patriarchy? Men requiring women to look and act a certain way, simply to please those very same men?

If so, why do women succumb so easily to those expectations? Could it be that women have learned something from experience? That they need to indulge men’s desires to stay safe or for some other advantage?

Or is shaving pubic hair just a reflection of the patriarchy? A sign of how men control women’s sexual expression?

After all, there’s plenty of evidence that the patriarchy controls much of our society. On average women earn 25% less than men for the same jobs. Men dominate conversations. (Women who talk for 25% of the time in a conversation are seen as spending equal time talking to men. Women talk for between 25 and 50% of the time in conversation are seen as dominating the conversation.)

And so it goes on.

And sure, for a long time, women did what men wanted so they could maintain their position as wives or partners or whatever.  Maybe they still do.

But is it possible, I wonder, that women want to do what men want because they get some inner satisfaction from pleasing a man in this way?

Don’t get me wrong here. Of course I’m not talking about women earning 25% less than men in equivalent jobs as something that women do to please men.

Far from it. I’m not mad. I don’t see male-female relationships in terms of subordination and dominance.

What I’m wondering is whether pleasing a man gives a woman some sense of satisfaction. I mean, otherwise, why would women depilate, wax, and shave their pubic hair?

Surely this is something that women do because they think it pleases a man in bed?

The discomfort, the expense, and time involved in depilation is considerable. Question is, do women do this for themselves or for men?

If you read this article you initially get the impression that this is a feminist treatise examining whether or not women shave because they want to. But you’re not under that illusion for long – this is a very subtle but quite obvious analysis of what men think of shaved pubic hair on women. And basically the article is encouraging women to shave for the sake of men’s sexual preferences.

There’s a much more interesting and balanced article here which gives a good case for retaining your pubic hair. And it’s written, interestingly enough, by a woman who has clearly thought out this issue for herself.

So. Where do we go from here? We know that pubic hair is becoming almost an extinct species in women under 30. This may be because their boyfriends have seen women in porn who are, almost without exception, completely shaved. Now they expect that from their wives and girlfriends.

What’s more disturbing is that women are becoming alienated from their own pubic hair because of men’s expectations.

And so it’s amusing, perhaps, to note that are men are now finding a woman who has a full bush to be an erotic turn on. Why? Because she’s “a real woman”.

Which makes me wonder how men see girls with shaved nether regions. There’s certainly something unpleasantly creepy about the pre-pubescent association of hairlessness.

One survey claims to have discovered that 79% of men prefer a woman shaved or waxed. Strangely enough, that figure’s been quoted over and over again round the Internet. But is it true?

If you read this article, what men really seem to want is trimming rather than shaving. And that makes a lot of sense. The “view” is better but things still look natural. And, of course, there’s a lot less danger of getting hair caught in your teeth when you’re doing oral!

So what’s the bottom line? Everyone on the Internet who’s got an opinion on this has an ax to grind.

But maybe, when a woman’s shaving her pubes just to please a man, she’s also ignoring her own needs and desires. Maybe there’s tendency in women to do that, maybe not.

Either way, I encourage you to think hard and long about what you want before you start shaving, waxing or depilating.

Don’t do it simply because you think it might please your man when you’re in bed together.

How many women are shaving or waxing?

Can this really be true? According to Maxin, yes it can: There’s a pretty big difference between men and women when it comes to keeping their bush tidy: while 69 percent men prefer to simply trim their pubes and keep things shipshape, the majority of women, meaning 57 percent, go for the Brazilian and get rid of everything on their lady garden for optimum tidiness. 

Men definitely expected their partners to be groomed. In fact, 46 percent of men said they prefer their partners to be completely hairless. Women, on the other hand, said they prefer the dude they’re sleeping with to be nicely manscaped, as opposed to being completely clean shaven. 

A Pleasing Appearance Is About More Than Pubic Hair!

All the other things which please a man about a woman’s grooming are common sense. Daily bathing, keeping fresh, exfoliating, and so on.

Having a suitable hair style which pleases both you and the man you’re with is important too. To be considerate in this way is simply good manners. So make sure that your appearance and grooming are to a high standard, and done with your partner’s pleasure in mind.

For example, hair can be a woman’s crowning glory. It’s certainly a major factor in ensuring that she looks attractive. However, high maintenance styles can be expensive, particularly if they are colored. Sometimes a simple style is more satisfying than a complicated one.

Surely this hardly needs saying, but cleaning your teeth twice a day is important. Equally, your nails are always on show. Even if you don’t want to varnish them or invest in expensive manicures, you can always choose to keep them clean and neat.

These are things with which many women make an effort in the early days of a relationship. However, when a relationship has been going for a while, standards may slip.

So to maintain mutual attraction, both the man and the woman need to ensure that they look pleasing to their partner. Simply follow all the above tips. And also, ensure your clothes are neat and well suited to whatever occasion calls you!

Also, please keep in mind that looking good is a major factor in maintaining high a self-esteem. In turn, high self-esteem contributes to a feeling of high self-worth. And this makes you feel that your relationship matters, and that you matter to your partner.

So it’s really worth making an effort to look good and feel good. This is not just to please your man, but also to please yourself.

If you feel that you lack charisma, then find a way of developing a more prominent and sparkling personality.

At the end of the day, all of these things speak volumes about how you feel about yourself. When you look in the mirror, do you like what you see? Do you feel proud and happy to be yourself?

If so, then it’s almost certain that your partner will look at you with pleasure and pride, both in and out of bed.

How to develop charisma