Romance is alive and well!
(Between Straight Men)
For those of you who have done a lot of men’s work, that probably isn’t going to come as a surprise.
For those of you who aren’t yet open to the possibility of relationships which go beyond the conventional, this might be quite shocking.
For those who know what we’re talking about, this will seem quite natural.
It’s all about Bromance!
The surprising thing here is that young men can get more emotional satisfaction out of relationships with other men than they do out of romantic relationships with women.
Yet, it’s true. A bromance – the word used to describe close male heterosexual friendships with other men – can be more satisfying to a men than his relationships with women. And that’s true even for men who are in a romantic relationship with a woman! (We’re talking emotional satisfaction, not sexual satisfaction. Generally sex doesn’t come into a bromance.)
I mean – don’t you think this is an extraordinary finding? And yes, we need to be careful with it, rather than take it as an absolute truth. The study which produced this finding was only a small one. But if it is true, it’s a potentially earthshaking finding.
We’re all accustomed to think that the “norm” is all about close emotional relationships between men and women, where a couple experience intimacy, connection and the ability to “talk about everything”. That’s certainly what a lot of women would like to believe.
So to find that men may be more satisfied emotionally in their relationships with other men shakes our preconceptions to their foundation.
One question that immediately comes up is – where is sex and sexual pleasure in all of this?
Let’s start at the beginning before we get that difficult question. First and foremost there is a movement in society towards closer relationships between men. That is the product of much men’s work which has dispelled cultural stereotypes about men connecting only through work, sport or drinking.
And that’s a good thing. At least it seems that way to men who are taking part in the men’s movement. There’s certainly something about a men’s group which liberates men to talk about deeper issues in a way they wouldn’t normally. Ask why, and you’ll probably hear men say it’s the lack of judgement or criticism from their fellow men, who understand absolutely (of course they do!) what it’s like to be a man in today’s world.
But there could be a downside. What if a shift towards intimate relationships between men – otherwise known as “bromances” – leads to weaker bonds between dating or married couples? What if, horror of horrors, it led to men and women only getting together for sex?
Well, I think you can put your fears aside. There’s no sign of marriage, dating or relationships between the sexes becoming any less important, at least not from where I’m viewing the landscape of life.
What I do see becoming more important is men being able to connect with each other in an intimate and emotionally satisfying way.
Why is this a good thing? Because it opens men out to their basic humanity. It gives them a dimension that’s missing when their world when it consists of a relationship with a woman and male friendships that are based on hearty, backslapping, sharing-good-times-kind-of-get-togethers.
Anyhow, this study involved only 30 heterosexual men who were in college and had at some time been in a relationship with a woman. And it wasn’t a racially diverse group , nor was it diverse in age range or interests. In fact, the truth is all men were straight , white and were studying for a sports-related degree.
OK, so not a stereotypical group then! And joking aside, every single one in this group said that they had had at least one “bromantic” friend. In the context of this study, that was defined as somebody with whom they could express love, share their secrets, perhaps even cuddle, and sleep in the same bed. (But not engage in sexual activity.)
When you think about it logically there is no reason why any of this shouldn’t happen. And the other surprise here is that we’re not accustomed to it happening, that it’s not regarded as normal behavior between men.
Bromances Were Normal Once Upon A Day
There was a time, in fact, in the first half of the 20th century when bromances were commonplace and completely accepted. It was the rise of homophobia which made them unacceptable. (An unfortunate consequence, perhaps, of gay liberation.)
So are we returning to a situation that was once natural for men?
Hard question to answer, and perhaps it’s really the wrong question in the first place. Maybe the right question is what men get out of this.
One thing that the men in the study reported is that they felt less judged by their close male friends than by their girlfriends. Some of them said they felt they had to be “more manly” around their girlfriends than around their male friends. In other words, the pressure is off. What a relief….!
There’s something really interesting about that. I’ve spent my adult life working with men to bring them into closer connection with their true masculinity. That way, they can embody it in their lives.
Invariably they find this experience a source of deep satisfaction. I guess that’s because they’re correctly inhabiting a body and mind which is designed to operate within a certain set of parameters: male parameters. It’s deeply fulfilling be living your gender in a truly embodied way.
Yet here we have men feeling comfortable because apparently they don’t feel as much pressure to be manly. And another oddity about this is that many of the men in my men’s groups, who embody masculinity fully, also say that they feel love for other men.
Perhaps, therefore, men loving men is more about being comfortable with emotion than being comfortable with your masculinity. Not sure about that one. The study wasn’t big enough to tell us.
But what did come through from the men who were interviewed for this research was that it was the emotional intimacy with another man that was the most satisfying aspect of the relationship.
Is that a surprise? Not really. There is deep affirmation for all of us in connecting at a level that goes beyond the superficiality of sports and alcohol. And there’s an added dimension of meaning to life when you can connect with another man at this level.
So perhaps all we are experiencing here is men learning to relate to each other in the way that women have related to each other for a very long time.
Now, I have to confess that I have experienced a bromance, which was nonsexual in nature, and I found it truly satisfying at a very deep level. In fact I would go so far as to say that I found it at least as satisfying, and perhaps more so. than an intimate loving relationship with a woman.
Does that mean I’m uncomfortable in relating to the feminine? Does it mean that I don’t know my boundaries as a man and being with a woman is emotionally challenging? Yeah, maybe. Yet I’ve done a lot of work on my masculinity and I think I’m pretty good at those things.
So if I had to explain the romance, I’d say it was actually more about my own development as a human being rather than as a man.
I’ve worked on shedding anger, shame, sadness and guilt, and repairing the damage inflicted me in childhood. Now I’m working in the world as an autonomous human being with a clear sense of my own boundaries, thoughts, feelings and behavior.
Now I have no fear about connecting with my male buddies in this way. I don’t care what anyone else thinks. I know what is true for me.
What I’m saying here is that I’m thinking the bromance might be one consequence of becoming more human rather than about becoming more masculine, or less connected to women.
After all, all personal development work has one ultimate aim – to make somebody the person who they truly were before the world changed them into something different.
And yet, even as I write this, there’s still something missing but I quite figured out. There’s a different quality to the love I’ve experienced for a man to the love I’ve experienced for a woman.
That might be simply because sex is off the agenda, and it’s not going to produce issues between us.
But somehow the whole idea of bromance feels deeper than that: it feels like an affirmation of me as a man.
No matter how puzzling or surprising it might be, my love for another man is certainly a part becoming whole again after the rigors and wounds of my childhood.
And yes, I recommend bromance to any man. To be understood and accepted and loved in this way is a profound experience (no matter whether it’s a woman or a man who’s doing the loving).
Yet there is another dimension when it’s a man you’re loving. You get an affirmation of self you’re not going to get in a romantic relationship with a woman.