Men seem to think women are much less interested in sex than men.
I see it differently – I believe everyone has a sexual appetite. Whether it manifests or not depends on experience, motivation, confidence and environment.
We all know the cliche that women need to be loved to feel sexy. But is that really true? Could it be that many women aren’t interested in sex simply because their partner has stopped paying them the attention they deserve?
We could argue about this for ages, but the fact of the matter seems to be that most women have a full sexual appetite, especially in their 30s and beyond.
If you’re not feeling horny, then something is wrong.
Perhaps you need to encourage your partner to woo and seduce you, to treat you romantically.
Or perhaps you need to encourage him to woo you into bed by “acting as if” you’re feeling sexy, and finding a way to put sex back on the agenda in your relationship.
You see, when we talk about pleasuring a man in bed there’s an implicit assumption that everybody involved is happy and willing to be sexual. Yet if you don’t feel horny, what then?
There’s no doubt that sexual appetite is important for good lovemaking. As “J”, author of How To Become The Sensuous Woman emphasized, it does two things.
First, it gives you the impetus to explore your man’s body with your own, thereby exciting him into being a better lover.
And second, it also sparks you into reaching out for the physical pleasure you are entitled to enjoy.
So, as J observes, you should value your sexual appetite highly and understand its moods.
Maybe you’re dormant at the beginning of your period, and you feel sexually aroused at the point where you menstruate or ovulate.
Maybe your sex drive is higher in the morning than the afternoon, or non-existent when you’re tired.
By simply observing your own sexual desire, you can work out what turns you on, and when, and then you can bring that knowledge into your love life.
(You may find it useful to keep a diary for the next three months, noting down in it the date and time of day when you become sexually excited, or make love, or masturbate. If you record what was going on around you at the time, you’ll soon come to find a pattern which you will be able to appreciate and use intelligently to foster your sexual appetite. Or, more exactly, to find those times when your sexual appetite’s going to be highest, so that you can set out a banquet that will please both you and your man.)
If you feel that you really do have a problem with low sex drive, is a useful guide and information here.
Moving On Towards Sex
Do you feel it’s your duty, or even a moral responsibility, to give yourself fully to a man you respect, and are sexually attracted to?
If so, what are your ethics around this?
Would you betray another man to whom you’ve made a promise of fidelity, if you find someone more attractive in your life?
Just as importantly, perhaps, are you clear about how you behave sexually?
Do you, for example, “lead on”, “cock-tease” or emotionally or physically “play” with a man whose love and sexuality you know you don’t wish to return?
These are important things to consider. Being a fully-fledged sensuous woman doesn’t mean that you have the right to do anything you please!
And the sooner you arrive at a set of ethics around your own sexual behavior, the earlier you will rest easy, knowing that you’re very clear about the ethical and moral aspects of sex for you.
And of course there’s another side to this: it’s natural for a man to have a wandering eye and a fertile sexual imagination, points out “J”. You need to have a strategy to deal with that, too.
You might say that even if men are naturally polygamist by nature, they should have learned by now to curb or control the urges they experience and be faithful to one woman.
To be honest I’d agree with you, but the truth the matter is that married or not, in relationship or not, men will always looking at other women – either overtly or covertly.
And many men will actually sample other women – even if they are in relationship with you.
Trust me, if this is happening, it’s because sex is not satisfying or pleasurable to your man. Bluntly, a man who’s being fully pleasured in bed, by a woman who really knows how to please a man, won’t stray.
These are realities of being involved with a man, says “J”. She goes on to observe…..
So get this straight: if you’re to keep your man monogamous, it’s your responsibility to give him the sexual variety and adventure at home that he could easily find on his own elsewhere.
You have to fight woman’s most deadly sexual enemy – familiarity – for it breeds boredom in the male.
To keep him from wandering, your greatest allies are imagination, sensitivity to his moods and desires, and the courage to experiment with new sexual techniques, particularly in enticing situations and places.
Instinctively you might begin to sense there’s a certain level of boredom in your man.
Instinctively, you might begin to suspect that he is ready to slip into the bed of another woman because he needs the stimulation of a new experience.
But you, the sensuous woman, can find a way of working on his sex drive which will so please him in bed that he is not going to look for pleasure with any other woman.
It doesn’t take a great deal of imagination to conjure up a situation where you can seduce your boyfriend or husband or partner with something that’s going to excite him.
How To Please A Man With Variety
Here is just one example from “J’s” How to Become the Sensuous Woman:
One of the most ingenious ploys I’ve ever heard of was pulled off by Janet, who is so respectable and ladylike in her looks and behavior she would make Emily Post seem like a wanton in comparison.
On Saturday night recently Janet purposely delayed dressing until the very last minute for the dinner party she and her husband were attending. She was so short of time she had to finish applying her make-up in the car and, as they drove up their host’s driveway, she was putting on her earrings.
However, Janet stepped from the car perfect in appearance, beautifully groomed and elegantly gowned. She delivered her bombshell as they stood on the steps ringing their host’s bell.
Just as the door started to open and it was too late to retreat, Janet grabbed her husband’s arm and gasped “Oh, Dick, I was in such a hurry I forgot to put on my panties!”
Well, you won’t be surprised to learn that all evening Dick kept picturing what his very ladylike wife looked like under her proper dress. He wouldn’t let another man come near her, and by the time they started home he’d become so excited by Janet’s tantalizing and secret nakedness that he couldn’t wait to make love to her. In fact they had to stop at a motel before they got home….
He had seen her at six that evening completely naked and nothing had happened to him at all, but the picture he was creating in his mind of Janet naked drove him crazy.
Janet confessed to me the next day that he had outdone himself as a lover that night, and she had never felt so wicked and sensual – and desirable!
You see, there are plenty of ways you can reintroduce excitement and sexual thrills to your relationship, even if it’s simple as going away for a night to a hotel while the children are looked after by a relative or babysitter.
And then there’s role-play.
Maybe you know your man’s always had a thing about geisha girls, in which case you can find an outfit to suit on the Internet and surprise him when he gets home.
And it won’t hurt you now and again to greet your man when comes in through the front door with a skimpy silk outfit just barely covering your breasts and your “Heavenly Garden”.
It’s all about keeping your man offguard and curious about what you will do next. Simply using a few feminine techniques like this will keep him too focused on you to stray.
And this does NOT mean you have to maintain a sexual aura all the time. It simply means you have to introduce enough variety once in awhile to keep the pleasure and satisfaction, and the sexual interest, of your man directed towards YOU!
The History of Sex
“J” writes amusingly about the days when somehow it became acceptable for men and women to read about sexual pleasure, hot to please a man in bed, and how to satisfy a woman in bed.
Millions of couples read those books – all directed (as you may guess) towards the respectable married couples of the 1950s. (Single people had to cope for themselves.)
Of course we’ve moved on since then, but I do wonder if some of the “rules” set out in the 1950s still influence us.
For example, the message of those pioneering marriage manuals was always that women have to be sexually responsive, and it’s up to men to arouse and satisfy them, no matter how much effort that might take.
Do you think, like me, there’s still quite a lot of truth in this? That it’s an unspoken belief we all hold at some level?
Now, why would that be?
Because of an old rule, a more instinctive human rule, which says that woman was designed to give pleasure to man.
If so, by not listening to our instincts, we women made a number of mistakes. The first one, J claims, is to be so busy in bed getting satisfied and pleasured that somehow we forgot our responsibilities as women.
Or, to put it another way, as “J” says:
“We forgot that there were two of us in that bed and that it was just as important to give the man a wonderful experience sexually as it was to receive it.
“We forgot what females have been taught since time began: as women we should be ardent conservationists of our most important natural resource – man.
“And, we were designed to delight, excite and satisfy the male of the species. Real women know this.
“Don’t scream unfair to me. Nature is looking out for us too, for it works both ways: men were designed to delight, excite and satisfy the female of the species.
“The sexes have different ways of going about it. Men conquer through aggressive and skilled passion and love; women surrender too, and are swept up in, passion and love.
“When you are able joyfully, tenderly and lustfully to offer every square inch of yourself for him to feast upon, and when you are able to sweetly use your erotically skilled body as a sensual instrument to satiate his appetite, then you will find that you will receive a piercingly beautiful pleasure in return.
“For he will be unable to help rising to the occasion and matching your complete sensuality. No one has more to gain from giving than a woman.”
So how can you teach yourself to give it?
You could start by doing the exercises described in her book (see here for more on these exercises).
These exercises are all about training your body to give a quicker and stronger response to sexual stimulation. That way your body will automatically give more in a sexual situation. That’s because it knows instinctively that by giving more of itself it gets more in return.
“J” goes on to say:
“It reaps the dividends of more and better orgasms and more exciting sex. You will know that you are successfully giving when your body feels that it is flowing into with him, and that you can’t help being swept in any direction he chooses.”
However “J” also cautions:
“Give, but don’t be a Pollyanna, a martyr, a saint, or a doormat. Your brain is part of your body and you must use it.
So if your man doesn’t give back pleasure, there are two possibilities.
First, he is selfish, in which case get rid of him. Or he hasn’t yet come into full bloom sexually and doesn’t know technically or emotionally how to respond completely. In this case you can help him explore and take command of his sexuality.
“Men can be shocked when they meet a woman for the first time who’s fully into her sexual nature and allows it to have full reign.”
Indeed, many men keep their sexual desires, appetites and abilities under such tight reign that they suffer from delayed ejaculation.
Making love to a man like this can be a shock for a woman. Imagine, if you were a sensuous woman making love to a man who believed it would be shameful to be aroused by the power of the woman he was in bed with.
A man like this is probably subscribing to the old view that it’s a man’s job to pleasure a woman. But although it may take you awhile to release his sexual desire and sensuality, the rewards of doing so will be well worthwhile.
But perhaps this isn’t good enough? Perhaps you might like to know in advance of a man will be a good prospect in bed? “J” has some advice here too.
She says a man can give you a number of clues about his sensuality. For example, his eyes can be very revealing.
“Observe how he uses them. Do his eyes caress and undress your body with obvious pleasure? That’s a good sign.
“Do you have the feeling that he never really fully looks at your body, even when your back is to him? In which case, watch out, for he may be one of those men who are ashamed of the sexual act, and because of this gives a perfunctory performance.
“But has he tried to con you with eye games? Penetrating stairs that make you feel he can see all the way to your palpitating heart and quivering clitoris, or long soulful looks designed to melt you into mush are no indication of superior bed skills. In fact they can be the tools of a second-rate lover.
“Is he a man who doesn’t bother to focus on your face and individuality even while he is making those first sexual overtures? Stay away from him. He isn’t interested in you, he just wants a convenient bed partner.
“And pay attention to his kissing style. If he attacks your mouth with force and makes you feel he is going to jam your front teeth down your throat, he is even going to be more cloddish than that in the advanced stages of lovemaking.
“If on the other hand he pecks you with dry pursed lips he is not likely to make your blood race either. Send him onto one of those girls who think sex is one of the unpleasant duties that come with marriage. They deserve each other.
“Men who are good lovers invariably use their tongues imaginative in the early kissing stages. You could assume if he uses his tongue badly or not at all, he is going to be equally dull in bed.
“When he caresses you, do you tingle and begin to feel warm all over? He is likely to arouse even hotter responses in you when you have your clothes off!
“Does he treat your breasts like unripe grapefruit instead of firmly but gently caressing them? Who needs him?”
And so on and so on. There are many clues to a man’s sexual ability. If you’re alert you’ll catch on pretty quickly.
Sometimes a man may pass all your standards and still turn out to be a dud in bed. But when you’ve taught yourself and your senses to tune into the masculine love style, you’re going to have very few lousy lovers in your life.
And weeding out the “throwbacks” from the keepers before intimacy starts is kinder to both of you.
You save his male pride from being demolished, and you save yourself from a less than happy experience.