Category Archives: what men want in bed

delayed ejaculation, sexual satisfaction, what men want in bed

Treatment for delayed ejaculation

How To Overcome Your Problems Ejaculating

Over the years therapists have come up with two main categories of reasons for delayed ejaculation: the first is the inhibition of sexual drive, and the second is a lack of sexual desire, which is also called a “desire deficit”.

Both of these approaches to explaining delayed ejaculation (DE) come from therapists who have worked in the area and achieved considerable fame with their theories.

You might think, and you’d probably be right, that these look like extremely different approaches to delayed ejaculation. That doesn’t mean that either of them is wrong, because it could well be that delayed ejaculation (DE for short) has more than one cause.

What Does Delayed Ejaculation Mean?

Using the “inhibition of sexual impulses” approach, Helen Singer Kaplan suggested that one way to encourage a man to reach orgasm and ejaculate during sex was to stimulate his penis with extreme force by hand.

The idea is to get his penis as near to his partner’s vagina as possible in the moments before he ejaculates. Then, at the last moment before he comes, he or his partner could push his penis into her so he ejaculates intravaginally.

Getting a man aroused with hand stimulation, then pushing his penis into his partner’s vagina at the last minute is not a sophisticated form of therapy. The extraordinary thing is, though, that sometimes it actually works. (It helps a man to ejaculate normally during intercourse.)

Now that could be because using force to overcome a man’s inhibitions about ejaculation is an adequate approach for some men. It may get them over a fear barrier, perhaps. Or it may simply allow them to experience ejaculation inside their partner and find that this feels OK. After that, whatever was causing the blockage to their ability to ejaculate inside their partner is removed.

 But it doesn’t work for everyone, and it’s quite aggressive. Whether the limited success it produces justifies its use or not is another issue. 

I suppose men who can’t ejaculate in a partner, and who are desperate to do so, would be delighted to have any treatment which works. So if it actually results in them being able to ejaculate in the vagina, it’s fine, regardless of whether commentators like me call it “aggressive” or not!

But what about the men for whom this DE treatment doesn’t work?

These men require a combination of therapies. You see, problems with ejaculation almost always involve some unconscious beliefs and thoughts about sex. That means a man won’t usually know why he can’t ejaculate.

And certainly some of the men with delayed ejaculation prefer sex with themselves to sex with women or indeed any partner. And you have to see that psychological position – which is called autosexuality – as rooted in some traumatic experience in childhood.

But many men with delayed ejaculation don’t really want to look into their childhood for traumatic events. That’s true even when this may explain the origins of delayed ejaculation. What they want is a cure.

One successful and popular approach is to sensitize a man’s body to the sexual stimulation he’s receiving so that he becomes more aroused more quickly. Delayed ejaculation is almost always characterized by a man having a low level of sexual arousal during intercourse. This is true no matter how long foreplay or intercourse may continue.

And in fact it’s not that a man’s point of ejaculatory no return is somehow “set” too high. It’s much more that he doesn’t reach that point, because he simply never gets aroused enough.

That implies that the roots of issues with reaching climax during sex lie in something that’s stopping the man becoming sexually aroused. Or, more exactly, sexually aroused enough to ejaculate.

And very often that something turns out to be a disconnection from his body, or disconnection from the process of sexual arousal.

Again, that’s almost always the result of some kind of traumatic experience in childhood. But one of the interesting things about psychological healing is that it can take place just through the act of living, where we’re all presented with opportunities to grow and develop.

So many men can “retrain” their bodies to respond to greater sexual arousal without looking at the past. And this is done through a process called sensate focus. While I wouldn’t claim that it is successful in 100% of cases, it certainly works for a heck of a lot of men.

Video – Delays In Ejaculating

  

 And so do other techniques that are aimed at increasing arousal, like using porn, or finding orgasm triggers on the body such as nipple stimulation or anal stimulation. And this includes incorporating into the couple’s sex life those things which the man (and the woman!) find particularly arousing. You can read more about this in this book. 

But of course this isn’t really going to work where a man has some fundamental issue about the relationship that he’s in, or about sexuality, or about sex with a woman, or about femininity.

 In those cases it’s hard to see how the condition can be cured without addressing the underlying emotional and psychological issues. This is where men can heal wounds – i.e. emotional wounds – suffered at the hands of women (obviously, usually their mothers).

Densensitization As An Approach To DE

Men with delayed ejaculation often have a particularly “firm” way of masturbating which they learnt in adolescence. And this “death grip” may get a man accustomed to a high level of stimulation. This can mean the more gentle stimulation provided by a partner later in life isn’t enough to make him come. And neither is the much gentler stimulation of oral or vaginal sex. There’s a lot more explanation of these issues in this book.

That’s why it’s essential for men in this situation to enjoy desensitization, and also to practice masturbating with a lighter touch. It helps if you abstain from sex for some time so that your sex drive is higher than normal. It also helps if you find the “orgasm triggers” on your own body. Anal stimulation can be helpful, but there are many more. These orgasm triggers are what we could call erogenous zones.

What about the psychological issues around slow or late ejaculation?

A lot of men who have delayed ejaculation want to be in control. That’s because control is a psychological mechanism which protects a man from situations that once were harmful or threatening. 

The mind assumes anything which frightens an individual in childhood has to be avoided or protected against. And the mind does that very effectively, keeping us away from the specific event that caused the original trauma, and away from anything vaguely related or similar to it. And it does this for the rest of our lives. So a man who experienced any negative emotional experience at the hands of a woman (shame being high on the list) may well be wary of getting close to a woman in the future. And there’s no getting closer to a woman than sharing the intimacy of sex! Read more about the psychology of delayed ejaculation here.

This can explain why some men don’t get aroused enough to come, which is the main cause of delayed ejaculation: avoiding arousal means avoiding the intimacy of sexual intercourse.  Especially the most intimate moment of all – the moment of orgasm, when you lose control completely.

Men with delayed ejaculation (DE) sometimes have a certain mindset about sex and their role within it. They often see themselves as good “providers” of the female orgasm, and having a great ability to pleasure a woman. And some women in relationships with men who have DE are enjoying multiple orgasms. But many more, however, find the isolation and lack of intimacy very distressing. This is where communication between partners is essential.

delayed ejaculation, satisfying a man, sexual satisfaction, what men want in bed

Advice For Women – When A Man Has Delayed Ejaculation

Delayed Ejaculation

In essence, delayed ejaculation appears to be the opposite of premature ejaculation. This is confusing: a man appears to be aroused, and have an erection very suitable for intercourse. But no matter how long sex continues, he may be unable to ejaculate at all, or he may only be able to do so with great difficulty. How may this be explained?

On the face of it a condition such as delayed ejaculation  goes against everything we expect during sex. For most men, the prospect of vaginal intercourse is so attractive and so arousing that it promotes a quick orgasm. (Often far more rapid than either the man or his partner want.) How is it, then, that some men not only don’t ejaculate prematurely but simply can’t ejaculate during sex? 

It’s an interesting question, to say the least! Some cases of delayed ejaculation are caused by drugs that interfere with the ejaculatory mechanism. Others are caused by the man actually not being very aroused at all during sex, despite the fact that he has an erection. His low sexual arousal is not sufficient to get him to the point of ejaculatory inevitability.

Sexual arousal is product of both physical arousal in the body, together with mental arousal caused by fantasy, anticipation of sex, and the memory of previous experience of sex.

Both of these are necessary to get a man to the point where he’s ready to ejaculate. An absence of either source of stimulation will stop him from ejaculating in the normal way.

Video – male sexual arousal

But why would a man not be aroused during sexual intercourse, and why would he not not realize that? It seems the answer to that question lies in the man’s disconnection from his own sexuality. We talk, almost as a cliché, about men being cut off from their feelings, but it seems that there is a lot of reality in this for many men around sexual issues.

Previous bad experiences, childhood abuse, emotional wounding by those who shamed or made a child guilty or anxious about sex. Adult experiences of sex that go badly wrong in some way. All these can contribute to a man cutting himself off from his awareness of his sexuality, his sexual arousal, and his sexual connection with his partner. It’s what’s known in psychological terms as a defense mechanism.

These defense mechanisms are, as the name suggests, all about defending oneself from further psychological hurt. It makes sense not to feel much during sex if you’ve previously been hurt during sex.

Some men with delayed ejaculation are so committed to their partners’ well-being that they continue to attempt to satisfy their partner without realizing that their own arousal is very low.  

This may happen because their underlying hostility or resentment or fear or anger or guilt or shame needs to be brought out into the open and discussed between the partners. 

Once intimacy has been established, the man can be coached in achieving sexual pleasure for himself. Some of the fats that might be releavnt are listed below.

Some facts you may not know abut your penis and sex!

  • Men over thirty may need physical stimulation of their penis to get an erection.
  • Men can have intercourse with a partial erection.
  • Erections come and go during sex.
  • Men often lose their erection when enjoying oral sex or putting on a condom.
  • Men don’t always want sex – it’s OK to say “no”!
  • You may not get an erection if you don’t want sex with a particular woman, even if you’re naked in bed together.
  • For men in mid-life or later, sexual urgency and desire may decrease, but perhaps the most important change for them is that their erections become more elusive. Often direct physical stimulation is needed to get it up – a far cry from the days of youth when his erections popped up all over the place for no apparent reason at all!

Delayed Ejaculation Treatment

First of all, it’s important to realize that delayed ejaculation (DE) is not rare (you can read more on this here). DE is the third most common male sexual dysfunction, and it seems to affect about one man in twelve in the general population across all age ranges.

This means that it is a very significant cause of difficulty  in relationships, sexual dissatisfaction and disappointment, and low self-esteem on the part of the men who experience delayed ejaculation.

The majority of cases are caused by psychological factors, and with commitment and motivation from the man concerned (and possibly from his partner as well), a cure is actually not too difficult.

Treatment will center on several things: one of them is establishing good communication between the two partners in the sexual relationship. This is because there are many misunderstandings about each other’s needs which contribute to faulty beliefs and wrong assumptions.

For example, the man may assume that he has a responsibility to satisfy his lover sexually. The woman may assume that because the man cannot ejaculate he is not attracted to her. And so on.

Once a man and a woman in a sexual relationship begin to communicate fully and openly, intimacy is restored between them, and the first step has then been taken to establishing physical intimacy. It’s important that this process is done with clear guidance, otherwise the eruption of hostility and anger may be more destructive than constructive.

Secondly, it is necessary for the man who has delayed ejaculation to understand that something has gone wrong with the process of his sexual arousal. Although he appears to be aroused, with an erection, he may in fact have little desire to have sexual intercourse with his partner. 

This may be because of some disruption of the relationship between them, or it may be because of previous associations with sex and sexuality that have left him psychologically disturbed by sex. Shame and guilt are high on the list, and they often come from childhood experiences.

There is however nothing to stop events in adult life leading to delayed ejaculation, in which case it’s known as acquired delayed ejaculation. Lifelong delayed ejaculation, fairly obviously, would be a condition that a man had experienced from the time of his first sexual encounter.

Education videos on delayed ejaculation can be found here. 

Thirdly a program of physical intimacy exercises, called sensate focus exercises, will re-establish sexual and physical intimacy between a couple, and allow the development of true sexual arousal in the man. Once he becomes highly aroused, he will find it easier to reach the point of ejaculatory inevitability, which is the point that every man must reach in terms of sexual arousal before his ejaculation reflexes are triggered.

what men want in bed

What Men Really Want In Bed

Sometimes what men want in bed can seem like a real mystery – especially if they’re not willing to talk about it!

So here, courtesy of the best experts on the Internet, are a few things that men say they want (but which they might not have told you!)

1 To Act Out Sexual Fantasies

Men, just like you, want to try out their fantasies.

Unfortunately porn today might make age-old fantasies like wearing a French maid’s outfit might seem a bit tame!

But there’s no reason why women should be obliged to fulfill outrageous male fantasies seen in porn just because men feel that doing so would satisfy them sexually.

Anyway, the reality is rather different. Porn can introduce emotional poison into a relationship because it may produce ridiculous male expectations about women’s willingness to experiment. It can also produce resentment when women quite reasonably refuse to participate in playing out those fantasies.

If a woman wants to know how to sexually satisfy her man in bed, the best way is for her to ask him. (And of course, he needs to be ready to tell her, prompted or not.) When he reveals the fantasies he wants to play out,  talk about them. This is the best way to understand what’s important and acceptable to you both.

That said, talking about sex and what will give you both pleasure in bed is a great way to introduce your fantasies to your partner. And if you’re really in love with each other, or at least if you have a deep level of trust, many things are possible in the exploration of your fantasies.

2 To Feel Safe

A man really wants to feel safe with a woman when they’re being sexual. That means feeling safe from criticism or negative judgment.

You see, male sexuality is not the robust and ever-ready thing that’s portrayed in modern literature, and particularly in porn. Although this may surprise many women, men are extremely vulnerable sexually. 

The male ego is a delicate thing. No wonder! No man can ever be sure that his erection is 100% certain. Yet at the same time men are expected to be sexually ready whenever their partner wants intimacy.  They are are expected to initiate sex, to lead during sex, and even to bring a woman to orgasm.

All of this places a large burden on men. And men also experience a sense of sexual competitiveness with other men. All this means it is easy for men to feel sexually vulnerable.

Against this background, any judgments you make can really detract from your man’s confidence in himself as a man and in his sexual confidence.

To be sexually relaxed and happy, to be sexually satisfied, a man needs to be certain that his partner is not going to judge or criticize him.

If you’re a woman in relationship with a man, you need to cultivate an open and loving attitude towards him. So if you want him to do things differently in bed, don’t say “You never….” or “Don’t…” or sound irritated.  Instead, try saying something like “It would feel wonderful if you could just do….”

And in this context, don’t take it personally if a man loses his erection. This is absolutely vital.

Tiredness or stress or worry (about many things) can impact a man’s capacity to maintain an erection. Don’t start taking his softness personally. Don’t choose to believe it’s about you, either! When you do this, you create anxiety which can make the whole performance-anxiety situation worse.

Just accept that sometimes you don’t want sex, sometimes a man can’t keep his erection. It’s not about you not being attractive enough for him to perform in bed sexually!

3 To Feel Manly and Sexually Competent

Men want women to help them feel confident and manly in bed by being non-judgmental and supportive.

You’ve probably never thought of your man as vulnerable. If you have, you might never have thought him as vulnerable sexually. Or emotionally. 

But men are emotionally and sexually vulnerable. And so if you are to satisfy your man sexually, you have to help him feel manly and confident.

This all relates to what men get want from sex. Obviously a man’s sexual satisfaction and pleasure are important. At the same time sex provides men and women alike with other things: a sense of youthfulness, a sense of power, sense of manliness (or femininity), a sense of normality, a sense being adequate, or even just a sense of being sexually competent.

Anything that a woman does which negatively impacts a man’s sense of masculinity will stop him opening up to you. It will also prevent him allowing himself to feel vulnerable. And then, sex will become a physical thing rather than an emotional thing.

By the way, although men do tend to want to be sexually dominant, that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The different sexual roles of men and women in bed can lead to greater fulfillment and sexual pleasure. Sometimes that relies on one partner being the dominant one and the other yielding or being the submissive one.

4 To Feel Nurtured

Many men want to feel your fundamental feminine qualities of nurturing and support during sex.

Many women don’ know how important these qualities can be within their relationship. Men often want the support and nurture that their wives can naturally provide, although they rarely ask for it or even talk about it.

What men actually want, what actually pleases a man in bed, is to be with a woman who is intimate, tender, and loving.

Men also get pleasure when a woman initiates sex and really enjoys her sexual feelings towards him.

Women tend forget that men are just as emotional as women, even though they don’t show it. Sex can be a massive expression of intimacy for a man and a direct route to feeling his emotions.

5 To Be With A Confident Woman

Men want women to feel positive about their bodies. That’s because it’s a real turnoff for men when women make negative remarks about their own bodies. 

No matter why women do this, it’s just not appropriate in bed.

Of course you might be anxious that your man feels negative about your body, and you’re just testing him to see what he has to say. There are better ways to find out than that!

For one thing, it’s a massive turnoff for a man when a woman puts herself down or makes negative comments about her body.

It shows him that you’re not in the moment with him, and probably not feeling sexual either. It also suggests that you’re insensitive to his feelings of physical attraction towards you.

To satisfy a man it’s necessary to have a pleasing attitude to your own body. If you really don’t have a positive attitude to your own body, it might be worth seeking out some counselling support to help you change your viewpoint.

6 To Be With a Woman Who Can Express Her Sexual Needs

Men want women to express their sexual needs, not leave it to them to guess what she wants.

Men are often baffled by women’s variable sexuality, particularly when what pleases a woman in bed seems to change from one day to the next.

The key to getting sex right is to simply tell your man what you want, openly and honestly.

Of course this requires him to be able to listen to you and to respond appropriately. This is an important part of  learning to be intimate together and to enjoy sexual pleasure in bed.

If you’re shy about talking about what turns you on, one thing you can always do is to take his hand and guide him on ways to pleasure you.

Better, though, that you establish open and honest communication. And above all keep sex positive and fun.
One way to ensure sex is fun is to keep it positive. And to do that, don’t say what you don’t like! Simply tell him what you do like when you’re together.

7 To Be With A Woman Who Can Take Responsibility for Her Own Sexual Pleasure in Bed

You need to explain to your man how you reach orgasm, how you obtain sexual pleasure. He also needs to know whether it’s important that you to have an orgasm during intercourse.

Not knowing this can spoil sex for both of you. When your expectations aren’t clear, you’re being unfair. Anyway, if you leave it to your man to figure out what makes you come, you might never have an orgasm!

Not explaining what gives you the ultimate sexual satisfaction in bed is ridiculous! Your man doesn’t live inside your body, so he needs your help to understand what turns you on and takes you to orgasm.

Don’t leave him to fumble on his own and then express your irritation or anger towards him because he hasn’t done it right!

Simply tell him what you want, or take his hand and guide him in a way that will give both the sexual pleasure that you desire. Easy!

8 Trust

A man wants you to trust each other enough to feel completely vulnerable to each other.

To feel safe, vulnerable and open to another person without reservation allows the deepest expression of your emotions and feelings.

It also leads to the ability to “let go” at the moment of orgasm, to completely abandon yourself to the sensations of sexual pleasure and fulfillment. This is a great way to satisfy a man in bed.

To truly pleasure a man, you need to be vulnerable, open and yielding. At the same time, for you to be able to please him in every way, he needs to be ready and willing to let you to satisfy him at the deepest level. And that means opening up to you emotionally as well.