Men and sex
The idea of the man constantly searching for sexual relief, driven by testosterone, is a cliche and does not help explain the relationship between men and sex.
Of course, men are horny because they are made that way by nature, but underneath these biological urges, how much of our male nature is driven by other pressures? How much of the way we behave comes from having a penis or not? How much behavior is innate and how much is socialized?
Boys and girls are treated differently from birth onwards. Boys, he says, are given the message that it is not manly to be close, to reach out and touch, to express their need for intimate cuddles and hugs.
They are encouraged to develop relationships with other boys that are primarily competitive: sports, teams, clubs, and fraternities all demand that a boy or a man knows his place in the hierarchy. (Even penis size can become the subject of competition in the locker rooms at schools! And pity the poor boy whose penis does not measure up to the rest.)
Even though boys – like all humans – will search out support and help from others when they are scared, hurt or in pain, often they are given a message such as “Be strong” or “Big boys don’t cry” or “Be a man”: none of which helps them to heal, but simply makes them repress their wounded feelings and suffer internally. This is an approach to male development which suppresses the dynamism and energy of the Lover archetype, the part of the psyche responsible for the expression of sexual desire and many other aspects of human relationships.
The reaction of adults or peers when they express fear is another thing that teaches boys that the honest expression of their feelings threatens their perceived maleness. Yet how many adolescents are given adequate support in the challenges they face, the immeasurably difficult tasks of growing up?
From masturbation, through sexual issues to health issues, from changes in their bodies to learning about girls, boys have to face many challenges without much support other than that of their peers, who of course are just as ignorant as they are.
Over time boys learn to numb their emotions, to dull their awareness of their own emotions, and in the course of doing so, they decrease their ability to feel any feelings, joyful, painful or otherwise.
And in doing so, boys – and men – lose touch with their bodies, they harden themselves (literally or metaphorically) not to feel anything, thereby losing their sensuality, their sense of aliveness, their tenderness and gentleness. This is seen at its most extreme in the process whereby recruits are hardened so they can abuse others in the name of military service, but there is only a difference of degree between this and the abuse of one man towards another in the workplace, say.
Adolescent boys are exposed to a social imperative to get laid in order to prove their maleness, long before they have grown up enough emotionally to know what getting laid means in terms of human relationships. Their Lover archetype is too sensitive and tender to survive this process without being wounded. It hasn’t the experience or the wisdom or the knowledge to cope with such experiences. As a a result, shadow beliefs will grow in the boy’s consciousness: I am a stud, I am a wimp, I am a sexual failure, and so on….. and none of these shadow beliefs are helpful.
Boys are also bombarded with sexual images on TV, in advertising, and in pornography: and these are compelling images which emphasize the domination of the penis, and which convey the idea that life can be experienced through sex, through penetration and through domination. Again, the natural tenderness of the lover archetype is diminished, cast aside or even ridiculed. Tenderness is for girls. Hard thrusting sexuality is for boys and men. You can read more contextual material about this tender, sexual, connecting archetype here.
Directly or indirectly, boys and young men are handed sex as the one permissible vehicle through which it is still possible to express aspects of their manliness. Their true masculinity and humanness have been conditioned out of them in other ways. Sex, in short, is the one place where sensuality is permissible, where boys and men can feel passion, desire, vitality and excitement. And of course it is the one area where true intimacy can still find its expression in an acceptable way.
Sex, then, may be the “answer” to many men’s feeling of being dead inside. But the problem with this is that no matter how much sex he encounters (or its substitutes of masturbation, pornography addiction or lustful thoughts) it will never be enough to make a man feel whole. It will never be enough to express his enormous need to be close. It will not truly allow him to feel his delight and vitality in being alive. In short, if sex makes you feel more alive or less alone than anything else, it is an indication that vitality and closeness are missing from every other part of your life. It shows that your Lover archetype is deeply wounded.
So sex can become addictive to a man who has a great emotional deficit. Even if he is not engaging in casual anonymous sex, looking at pornography every evening on the PC, he may still be showing his addiction to sex (or, rather, the impulse to feel which lies behind it) when he feels an urgent need to have intercourse, experiences a desire to get off at all costs, or fantasizes sexually about the people around him.
Why men use porn
And note that repression of these impulses is not the answer – for it suppresses the one outlet still available to him which tells him he is alive, which lets him feel his life energy! It is passion, not repression, that is the best ally we have in our attempts to be liberated from the bondage of emotional blankness.
Healing these hurts and learning to be passionate and vital again requires that we get in close and stay close with someone else. It requires that we look after our bodies and we find our way back to every feeling that we somehow lost. And it requires that we reclaim our connection with other people, our feelings, our bodies and our masculinity.
Here are some extracts from the instruction manual for this process!
Reclaim intimacy
We can choose to redirect some or all the loving attention we give to people to whom we’re attracted towards all the other people in our lives. That includes those whom we never imagined might have been close to us. We should communicate more, share our fears and emotions, and trust that others can be close to us: and indeed, to accept that being close to others is a natural state for the human animal. No single partner can fulfill all our needs – we need human connection.
Reclaim feelings
The next step is to find our feelings and to experience them fully! This is suggesting that we live with passionate intensity and feel everything that goes on in our emotional lives.
Cry wet tears, and laugh with your whole voice! Tremble with fear and giggle with embarrassment! Let your commitment burn brightly in daily life as you live with the excitement and passion that you currently reserve for sex! And ask for help in this – it’s not natural to do it alone.
Reclaim your body
There are many forms of sensual pleasure – which, by the way, is your birthright. It is the Lover archetype which is in play here. I remember walking out of my house onto my land one day, in the early morning, feeling the damp earth under my skin, the rain on my body, and simply relishing my connection to nature. I’ve had similar experiences in deserts and on mountains, in forests and underwater.
Obviously, sensuous pleasure comes in many forms: walking in the rain barefoot, dancing freely, breathing deeply, feeling the silken sheets on your body at night, the caress of another person, the splash of water on your face, the delicious feel of cool fresh water gliding down your throat on a hot day – indeed, sensuousness is about experiencing your senses wherever and whenever you want. But to appreciate this experience, you have to slow down and appreciate what your body and the Earth have to offer you.
Become sensual
If sex is our main connection with the experience of life’s excitement and passion, its emotion and feeling, then of course we will become obsessed with sex and seek it out in any form available to us.
But our innate desire to be close to others can motivate us to seek closeness and get it. And when we fill our lives with those things that sex has substituted for, we are richer – and so is our experience of sex.
Our final point is that sex transforms as our senses open up, because the desperation, the rush to get it, the urgency, and the fear and loneliness which corrupt our sexual experience are replaced with joy, passion, relaxation and vigor. In this case, sex becomes a celebration of love and intimacy, a place for healing, and a reconnection with our childhood intimacy and ability to express love.