Delayed Ejaculation
In essence, delayed ejaculation appears to be the opposite of premature ejaculation. This is confusing: a man appears to be aroused, and have an erection very suitable for intercourse. But no matter how long sex continues, he may be unable to ejaculate at all, or he may only be able to do so with great difficulty. How may this be explained?
On the face of it a condition such as delayed ejaculation goes against everything we expect during sex. For most men, the prospect of vaginal intercourse is so attractive and so arousing that it promotes a quick orgasm. (Often far more rapid than either the man or his partner want.) How is it, then, that some men not only don’t ejaculate prematurely but simply can’t ejaculate during sex?
It’s an interesting question, to say the least! Some cases of delayed ejaculation are caused by drugs that interfere with the ejaculatory mechanism. Others are caused by the man actually not being very aroused at all during sex, despite the fact that he has an erection. His low sexual arousal is not sufficient to get him to the point of ejaculatory inevitability.
Sexual arousal is product of both physical arousal in the body, together with mental arousal caused by fantasy, anticipation of sex, and the memory of previous experience of sex.
Both of these are necessary to get a man to the point where he’s ready to ejaculate. An absence of either source of stimulation will stop him from ejaculating in the normal way.
Video – male sexual arousal
But why would a man not be aroused during sexual intercourse, and why would he not not realize that? It seems the answer to that question lies in the man’s disconnection from his own sexuality. We talk, almost as a cliché, about men being cut off from their feelings, but it seems that there is a lot of reality in this for many men around sexual issues.
Previous bad experiences, childhood abuse, emotional wounding by those who shamed or made a child guilty or anxious about sex. Adult experiences of sex that go badly wrong in some way. All these can contribute to a man cutting himself off from his awareness of his sexuality, his sexual arousal, and his sexual connection with his partner. It’s what’s known in psychological terms as a defense mechanism.
These defense mechanisms are, as the name suggests, all about defending oneself from further psychological hurt. It makes sense not to feel much during sex if you’ve previously been hurt during sex.
Some men with delayed ejaculation are so committed to their partners’ well-being that they continue to attempt to satisfy their partner without realizing that their own arousal is very low.
This may happen because their underlying hostility or resentment or fear or anger or guilt or shame needs to be brought out into the open and discussed between the partners.
Once intimacy has been established, the man can be coached in achieving sexual pleasure for himself. Some of the fats that might be releavnt are listed below.
Some facts you may not know abut your penis and sex!
- Men over thirty may need physical stimulation of their penis to get an erection.
- Men can have intercourse with a partial erection.
- Erections come and go during sex.
- Men often lose their erection when enjoying oral sex or putting on a condom.
- Men don’t always want sex – it’s OK to say “no”!
- You may not get an erection if you don’t want sex with a particular woman, even if you’re naked in bed together.
- For men in mid-life or later, sexual urgency and desire may decrease, but perhaps the most important change for them is that their erections become more elusive. Often direct physical stimulation is needed to get it up – a far cry from the days of youth when his erections popped up all over the place for no apparent reason at all!
Delayed Ejaculation Treatment
First of all, it’s important to realize that delayed ejaculation (DE) is not rare (you can read more on this here). DE is the third most common male sexual dysfunction, and it seems to affect about one man in twelve in the general population across all age ranges.
This means that it is a very significant cause of difficulty in relationships, sexual dissatisfaction and disappointment, and low self-esteem on the part of the men who experience delayed ejaculation.
The majority of cases are caused by psychological factors, and with commitment and motivation from the man concerned (and possibly from his partner as well), a cure is actually not too difficult.
Treatment will center on several things: one of them is establishing good communication between the two partners in the sexual relationship. This is because there are many misunderstandings about each other’s needs which contribute to faulty beliefs and wrong assumptions.
For example, the man may assume that he has a responsibility to satisfy his lover sexually. The woman may assume that because the man cannot ejaculate he is not attracted to her. And so on.
Once a man and a woman in a sexual relationship begin to communicate fully and openly, intimacy is restored between them, and the first step has then been taken to establishing physical intimacy. It’s important that this process is done with clear guidance, otherwise the eruption of hostility and anger may be more destructive than constructive.
Secondly, it is necessary for the man who has delayed ejaculation to understand that something has gone wrong with the process of his sexual arousal. Although he appears to be aroused, with an erection, he may in fact have little desire to have sexual intercourse with his partner.
This may be because of some disruption of the relationship between them, or it may be because of previous associations with sex and sexuality that have left him psychologically disturbed by sex. Shame and guilt are high on the list, and they often come from childhood experiences.
There is however nothing to stop events in adult life leading to delayed ejaculation, in which case it’s known as acquired delayed ejaculation. Lifelong delayed ejaculation, fairly obviously, would be a condition that a man had experienced from the time of his first sexual encounter.
Education videos on delayed ejaculation can be found here.
Thirdly a program of physical intimacy exercises, called sensate focus exercises, will re-establish sexual and physical intimacy between a couple, and allow the development of true sexual arousal in the man. Once he becomes highly aroused, he will find it easier to reach the point of ejaculatory inevitability, which is the point that every man must reach in terms of sexual arousal before his ejaculation reflexes are triggered.