How To Overcome Your Problems Ejaculating
Over the years therapists have come up with two main categories of reasons for delayed ejaculation: the first is the inhibition of sexual drive, and the second is a lack of sexual desire, which is also called a “desire deficit”.
Both of these approaches to explaining delayed ejaculation (DE) come from therapists who have worked in the area and achieved considerable fame with their theories.
You might think, and you’d probably be right, that these look like extremely different approaches to delayed ejaculation. That doesn’t mean that either of them is wrong, because it could well be that delayed ejaculation (DE for short) has more than one cause.
What Does Delayed Ejaculation Mean?
Using the “inhibition of sexual impulses” approach, Helen Singer Kaplan suggested that one way to encourage a man to reach orgasm and ejaculate during sex was to stimulate his penis with extreme force by hand.
The idea is to get his penis as near to his partner’s vagina as possible in the moments before he ejaculates. Then, at the last moment before he comes, he or his partner could push his penis into her so he ejaculates intravaginally.
Getting a man aroused with hand stimulation, then pushing his penis into his partner’s vagina at the last minute is not a sophisticated form of therapy. The extraordinary thing is, though, that sometimes it actually works. (It helps a man to ejaculate normally during intercourse.)
Now that could be because using force to overcome a man’s inhibitions about ejaculation is an adequate approach for some men. It may get them over a fear barrier, perhaps. Or it may simply allow them to experience ejaculation inside their partner and find that this feels OK. After that, whatever was causing the blockage to their ability to ejaculate inside their partner is removed.
But it doesn’t work for everyone, and it’s quite aggressive. Whether the limited success it produces justifies its use or not is another issue.
I suppose men who can’t ejaculate in a partner, and who are desperate to do so, would be delighted to have any treatment which works. So if it actually results in them being able to ejaculate in the vagina, it’s fine, regardless of whether commentators like me call it “aggressive” or not!
But what about the men for whom this DE treatment doesn’t work?
These men require a combination of therapies. You see, problems with ejaculation almost always involve some unconscious beliefs and thoughts about sex. That means a man won’t usually know why he can’t ejaculate.
And certainly some of the men with delayed ejaculation prefer sex with themselves to sex with women or indeed any partner. And you have to see that psychological position – which is called autosexuality – as rooted in some traumatic experience in childhood.
But many men with delayed ejaculation don’t really want to look into their childhood for traumatic events. That’s true even when this may explain the origins of delayed ejaculation. What they want is a cure.
One successful and popular approach is to sensitize a man’s body to the sexual stimulation he’s receiving so that he becomes more aroused more quickly. Delayed ejaculation is almost always characterized by a man having a low level of sexual arousal during intercourse. This is true no matter how long foreplay or intercourse may continue.
And in fact it’s not that a man’s point of ejaculatory no return is somehow “set” too high. It’s much more that he doesn’t reach that point, because he simply never gets aroused enough.
That implies that the roots of issues with reaching climax during sex lie in something that’s stopping the man becoming sexually aroused. Or, more exactly, sexually aroused enough to ejaculate.
And very often that something turns out to be a disconnection from his body, or disconnection from the process of sexual arousal.
Again, that’s almost always the result of some kind of traumatic experience in childhood. But one of the interesting things about psychological healing is that it can take place just through the act of living, where we’re all presented with opportunities to grow and develop.
So many men can “retrain” their bodies to respond to greater sexual arousal without looking at the past. And this is done through a process called sensate focus. While I wouldn’t claim that it is successful in 100% of cases, it certainly works for a heck of a lot of men.
Video – Delays In Ejaculating
And so do other techniques that are aimed at increasing arousal, like using porn, or finding orgasm triggers on the body such as nipple stimulation or anal stimulation. And this includes incorporating into the couple’s sex life those things which the man (and the woman!) find particularly arousing. You can read more about this in this book.
But of course this isn’t really going to work where a man has some fundamental issue about the relationship that he’s in, or about sexuality, or about sex with a woman, or about femininity.
In those cases it’s hard to see how the condition can be cured without addressing the underlying emotional and psychological issues. This is where men can heal wounds – i.e. emotional wounds – suffered at the hands of women (obviously, usually their mothers).
Densensitization As An Approach To DE
Men with delayed ejaculation often have a particularly “firm” way of masturbating which they learnt in adolescence. And this “death grip” may get a man accustomed to a high level of stimulation. This can mean the more gentle stimulation provided by a partner later in life isn’t enough to make him come. And neither is the much gentler stimulation of oral or vaginal sex. There’s a lot more explanation of these issues in this book.
That’s why it’s essential for men in this situation to enjoy desensitization, and also to practice masturbating with a lighter touch. It helps if you abstain from sex for some time so that your sex drive is higher than normal. It also helps if you find the “orgasm triggers” on your own body. Anal stimulation can be helpful, but there are many more. These orgasm triggers are what we could call erogenous zones.
What about the psychological issues around slow or late ejaculation?
A lot of men who have delayed ejaculation want to be in control. That’s because control is a psychological mechanism which protects a man from situations that once were harmful or threatening.
The mind assumes anything which frightens an individual in childhood has to be avoided or protected against. And the mind does that very effectively, keeping us away from the specific event that caused the original trauma, and away from anything vaguely related or similar to it. And it does this for the rest of our lives. So a man who experienced any negative emotional experience at the hands of a woman (shame being high on the list) may well be wary of getting close to a woman in the future. And there’s no getting closer to a woman than sharing the intimacy of sex! Read more about the psychology of delayed ejaculation here.
This can explain why some men don’t get aroused enough to come, which is the main cause of delayed ejaculation: avoiding arousal means avoiding the intimacy of sexual intercourse. Especially the most intimate moment of all – the moment of orgasm, when you lose control completely.
Men with delayed ejaculation (DE) sometimes have a certain mindset about sex and their role within it. They often see themselves as good “providers” of the female orgasm, and having a great ability to pleasure a woman. And some women in relationships with men who have DE are enjoying multiple orgasms. But many more, however, find the isolation and lack of intimacy very distressing. This is where communication between partners is essential.